Finding my words.

Oh Christmas tree.

2009-12-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

Sitting on my leather couch. The house is quiet except for the soft hum of the fridge. My Christmas tree is glowing and it's lovely. The lights are dimmed. I purposely have the blinds closed because I love to get the full affect of the twinkling lights, I don't care if it's two in the afternoon. I want to sit on my huge over stuffed lovely brown leather couch that I am still paying for. I love it so much and I HAD to have it. I melt into it every time. It was worth it, and so is the monthly bill. To hell with debt free for now. My eyes are starting to fuzz in and out and I pull my blanket in close.

I see through the branches, past the ornaments and the twinkling lights that it has begun to snow outside as if on cue. Now all I need is a little Diana Krall Christmas music in the background,

I watch the big fat snowflakes twisting, flipping and falling towards the ground. Reminds me of when I was little and would try to follow one snowflake from the sky to the ground without losing it.

My eyes are drawn to the tree again and they fall on the little circle hanging from one of it's branches. It has a little embroidered Christmas tree on it and the material has aged so much it is yellow though I know it was once a stark white but that was when it hung on Mom's tree so many years ago. A tinge of sad hits my stomach and I wiggle it free by changing positions on the yummy chocolate couch. Kind of like when you rub a charlie horse out. It's still there.. but it subsides just enough to for my eyes to fall on the R.I.P. BUTTERS ornament in the shape of an actual Christmas tree that makes me smile and almost chuckle. Butters was my husbands poor cat that I found... (God rest her soul, or was it a him?? Either way) under the Christmas tree DEAD one year (NO LIE) and I pulled it out by its tail stiff as a board. I later confessed to Justin that I accidently sucked Butters tail up with the vacuum that previous night and yelled at it because he/she would not get out of the way. Did I mention this was right before it ran under the tree and well, I guess kicked the bucket?? Who knows, but it still makes me chuckle. My mom made the ornament for Justin that Christmas and we laughed so hard Ma and I both almost wet are pants.

Right next to it I see the ginger bread man that Cole made in pre-school one year and just as I am getting sentimental a Barbie foot catches my eye and I sit up and lean forward to focus. Is that?? Huh?? YES a full naked Barbie and WOA! WHAT THE HECK... a half eaten piece of string cheese. The Barbie has an abandoned shoe lace tied around her naked chest and there she hangs.. real creepy. I sit back and sink into my delicious amazing unpaid for couch and I pull my blanket up real close and I gaze at it all. Trying real hard to tune out the naked dairy queen and her sadistic slutty strings tied around her plastic rack. My daughter is probably chuckling upstairs in her bed eating the rest of the string cheese.. Little shit.

I love the tree and I love what it symbolizes. Every year I say I am going to have a tree was a theme and everything is going to match and when people come see it they are going to think I am so creative and talented. But every year I pull out the Butters ornament... and the yellowed embroidered Christmas tree circle and so many others and I relive every single Christmas I have ever had and every year I add a few new ones to replace the ones that have fallen victim to little children's curios fingers.

Maybe I will keep the Barbie up there too. I am sure in her own unique way Kendall meant for it to be special like the rest of them. I will lose the cheese though.

Merry Christmas everyone. Take time to appreciate the memories. And don't forget to own those new ones, even if it's as silly as a half naked Barbie shoved in your tree.

You May have 'the cancer' but 'the cancer' can't have you.

2009-09-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

Song Suggestion: My Wish For You by Rascal Flatts

"You've heard about my whole cancer arm thing haven't you?" she asks

"What?" I replied "What are you talking about?"

She plops down in my chair at the Hair Clinic with a North Western College water bottle in her hand and takes a few big swigs..

"I was doing the P90X work out and my arm got real puffy and sore. Dr. Cindy decided I needed a scan. I have a tumor growing out of my arm. Going to Rochester and going to get it Biopsied." she says.

My stomach drops and I get this feeling. I remember I used to feel so much more. Now I sort of get a feeling but theres no emotions attached. It's like there all gone.. the only time I cry is when a host of things compile and I happen to stub my toe.. or bite my tongue and then it all comes out like a damn waterfall. I sob and sob and sob, then I am better. It really only takes about 10 minutes and then I am great. I always love a strong cry. Good for the sole.

I tell her what I want to hear.. "Naaa it's not cancer."

"Well just in case I am not coloring my hair.. if it's all going to come out anyway." she replies

"Right... makes sense." I say then I start to shut down. I can tell my lack of emotion is only due to shock, not the fact that I have a heart of cold hard stone because I can feel the lump in my throat and she continues to chatter on with a woman in the chair to the left who is getting her hair colored red.. terrible choice by the way.. it's all wrong.. the skin tone then the cheap looking red... shit, there I go again, focus Renee.. She doesn't have cancer, she doesn't have cancer.. she doesn't have cancer..

My cell is ringing. It's her. I know she's calling to tell me what the Doctors at Rochester have found. Cole asks me why I am not answering my phone. Because I'm scared, because I can't do this again, because I don't know what to say or how to say it. Because I don't want to hear bad news.. I shut my phone off and I lie to Cole.. "Wrong number." I say

"Hi Renee, it's Cindy. It's Cancer and it's treatable.. soo that's real good. Talk to you soon." click.

I put my tennis shoes on and go for a run. I put on my angry rap music that makes me run real fast.. and I run and run. Until I realize I need to breath. I need to slow down. I need to chill because people are starting to look at me as I run past them like I am being chased by a wild animal... plus my ipod is jacked up so loud I didn't realize I sounded like I was going to die.. real loud breathing.. real dramatic. I watch the old man who lives in the yellow house with the fugly shutters stare at me through his circa 1982 glass door with the sparkly door handle. My sunglasses are big.. he never knows I know he watches me. I bet he is secretly hoping I pass out so he can give me mouth to mouth... fat chance buddy. I am a machine. Ain't going to happen.. In your dreams you dirty old ma.... Suddenly I am getting honked at. I've almost been killed, run over because I am lost in thought. Poor old man.. dreams almost dashed. ha

I tend to try and make myself feel better via innocent strangers.. aka poor old man in ugly doorway who happens to be standing there when I run past his little house. I am so sick.. this isn't about me. I start to walk. My breathing is still quite loud and it turns into a little whimper and then it comes. I walk and cry for about 10 mins. I feel better. It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me, it's not about me I repeat to myself with the beat of my strides.

I text her and we talk, I ask questions. She refers to herself as having 'The Cancer'. Insanely upbeat I am in awe. She has already had a first treatment and she says she will lose her hair. I whimper a little more. She is my fave. I love her salon visits. I love her. We cut her hair very short to prepare her.

Cindy comes in the next week and she is going to a wedding.. she stops into the Hair Clinic randomly and gets three inches from my face and says.. do my hair. I sit her down and start combing through her hair.. and it's coming out.. it wisps to the floor and a small pile falls to my feet. Everyone looks at me when she asks me.. "Is it coming out??" I want to lie and tell her no... its fine and your fine and were all OK. Instead I pause.... and she turns around and looks at me and I say "Yes, it's coming out." I am sad. I don't say that out loud.

Cindy came in with an entourage. Cindy's best friend Cindy Pals, and her two daughters Brandi and Samara came along. LuAnne Keith and her daughter Donna. We all piled in the back where we do all our waxing and I took out the buzzer. LuAnne held Cindy's hand as I clicked on the shortest guard my buzzer has and shaved her head. I swallowed allot. Cindy talked and it was like any other haircut. Her head is pretty. Nicely shaped. I remember feeling so honored to be there with these woman. We just lost Justin's uncle Steve Pals to cancer not even a week previous and yet there sits his wife, Dr. Cindy, with her two amazing daughters and she is there to support her best friend. It was a powerful moment and it ended with giggles as I attempted to put a turban on Cindy's head and almost strangled her. I know nothing about this.. I have much to learn.

I have learned this. Cancer will always be here. It will linger around us and taunt us. There will be more people who gets cancer and we will always wonder why it's happened to them. But one thing Cindy said to me stuck with me.

"It's all about the attitude Renee."

Dear Cindy-

You may have the cancer. But the cancer cannot have you. If I need to massage your lovely bald head with Tea Tree oil and feed you gummy worms everyday to make you feel better I will. I love you lots. So lets hurry up and beat this.

xo xo Renee

Margaret

2009-07-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

Song Suggestion: What if God was One of Us by Alanis Morisette

The business of the day had taken over my mind. I came flying into the backdoor of the Hair Clinic.. brushing my pant legs off because.. of course... I notice in the last three seconds of my fifteen minute car ride that there was lint all over them from the dryer. Nice. I walk in looking rather unkept and I already feel a hint of anxiety. Great. I can smell the aroma of my evening awaiting me.

I page my finger down the schedule, finding my name then landing on my first client.. one, Margaret J. (respectfully keeping her name anonymous)

My first guess is this.. 'Margaret J.' is middle aged lady who has been referred to me by one of my more committed clients. My assumption was incorrect however when in walks a plump looking lady with polka-dot fingernails chewed down to the nub, and her aid. I am going to be completely honest with you. I rolled my eyes.. subtly yes. But the bitch in me sort of clawed her way out.

Margaret may not have been all there. But as much as she could be, she was. I got to thinking as she stretch my patience with the exact same question 15 times in a row, how life would be if it were just as simple as Margaret's. I mean what would it be like when someone walks into a salon with a prosthetic arm, to just say...

"Hey.. um.. what happened to your arm?"

Yes.. it happened, the aid and I tried to intervene.. to no avail.. :) But it was the honesty that caught me off guard. Not the rude bluntness.

What would it be like to always feel comfortable saying what is on your mind? Would it hinder you or better you?

I guess that is the luxury we as mostly sound.. healthy human beings have. But I want to thank you Margaret. For stretching me. For making me laugh when you so bluntly asked me why my hair is so blond. he he.. for chugging your Mountain Dew faster then a college dude chuggs his Miller Light and for belching louder then he probably could also. Nice push Margaret. I hope your red hair with blond highlights serve you well, and I most definitely hope to see you again.

Lesson learned? Don't ever judge a book by it's cover.

Big Strong Girl

2009-06-12T08:14:00.001-07:00

Song Suggestion: Big Strong Girl by The Weepies

Special thanks to Mrs. Kimberlee Soo for letting me use her lovely photo.

(kimberleesoo.com) You continually inspire me.

Same goes to the very talented photographer Kat Powers.

Have you ever had a night where you dreamt all night long? I know they say that you always dream when your sleeping. But have you ever had it when you wake up and remember them... all of them? Last night I had a busy night. Of dreaming. I woke up this morning and as my mind yawned.. stretched and slowly woke up all those dreams came back to me one at a time. The dreams were all jumbled up together. Bits of my yesterday morning were intertwined with my evening.. comments I made to my children were blended with conversations with my close friends.. some things were just thrown in there that my mind created and I am left to wonder what they mean. I believe dreams tell you allot about your life, and the ones that you remember that you don't understand are placed there to make you ponder what they mean. Sort of like when your having a really shitty day and you cannot figure out if it is one specific thing or a combination of things. You think and think and when you find the answer you feel better. It's the itch that you finally can scratch and you move on.

I am at my church parking lot. I get out of my vehicle. I am not sure why we are at church meeting my whole family to go the the Sioux Center pool, but it's one of those things that dreams do.. they just throw something random in the middle of it. Bottom line is my entire family.. everyone from Aunt's to Uncle's.. brothers, sisters and their spouses.. we are all going to hit the pool. I was so happy. I went to bring some muffins to some one's car. I think it was Auntie Fran's.. (yes I know that sounds like I am 3 years old but she has always been my Auntie) I handed her the muffin's and I turned around and everyone was gone. Including my new vehicle which made me go into a major panic attack. My purse and cell phone were in the car. I couldn't contact anyone and the police were less then helpful. Somehow I get sandwiched into a tiny car right between two of the largest men I have ever seen.. and I couldn't remember any one's numbers, so even though the large dudes let me borrow their cell phones I couldn't get a hold of my family.. who were probably wondering where I was.. or enjoying themselves pool side. I was hysterical.

The dream went on and on.. but to spare you the rambling, the best part came at the end.

My sister suddenly showed up. My best friends Randi and Crisinda showed up too.... then suddenly everyone started surrounding me and I started crying.. and yelling at them. All of them. I kept on saying I needed you here with me. I was angry but relieved. I wasn't showing relief at that moment.. I was showing this blistering hot anger and sobbing. No one's faces changed they kept getting closer and closer.. one by one.. Caleb my brother.. Aj my sister-in-law.. Annie my cousin, my Mom and future step-Dad.. until I was the center of this giant circle. It was all people I loved.. but I couldn't calm myself. Why was I even angry? The feeling was raw. I kept spinning around and around until one of my best friends.. Jonna grabbed me and put my face in her hands and said.. "It's a season baby." Then instantly I was somewhere else. Everyone was gone again but there was peace. Real peace. I was done crying and being angry. Gone so suddenly and feeling good so instantaneously that I still remember the feeling right now as I sit here in front of my laptop. I like to think that it is what sick people feel like when they die and go to heaven.

I was guided through this old house.. and someone was following me talking and it was a normal voice it was familiar and I didn't even think twice about it. I didn't think about it when I noticed the old wood carved bowls sitting on the counter that were so familiar to me .. the wicker baskets that hung from the ceiling.. It didn't feel weird to walk into the living room and feel the cold wood floor creak underneath my feet but.. it was familiar. I finally turned around and there he was just standing in front of me like normal.. Healthy and fine.. It felt so good to see him. I cannot explain it. But I didn't think of it as your dead and now your alive. It's like he had always been there.. like I said I cannot explain that feeling of just peace. All I remember next is sitting down and saying..

"How do I do this?"

Do what?? Yes that is my question. Live with out a Dad... I don't know. But that question came out of my mouth so pointedly.

Dad smiled and said. "It's easy.."

I remember talking more, but for some reason I don't remember what was said. I just feel better. I sit here now and a flood of emotion is hitting me because I can now read my dream over and over again and I am getting it. As I anticipate this upcoming Father's day I still am so, so, so lost with out him. I don't need to always put on happy face Renee. My wounds are still healing and I have a lot of scar tissue.

But I have these friends and family that surround me.. and they love me. And I love them, for where ever they are in their lives. We are all in different seasons and I am going to be Ok.. I'm a big strong girl.

To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.
Mary Oliver

How lovely to be a woman..

2009-04-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Song Suggestion: How Lovely To be a Woman by Anne Margret

Grocery shopping can be intense. I usually prefer to go to Super Walmart. It's a busy mom's perfect one-stop-shop. You can get everything you need.. without having to unstrap your child from their car seat and hall them into fifteen different stores. Yes.. I realize I will probably walk out with a scented candle and a cute tank top for the summer... maybe an US magazine and a red bowl.. but you know what?? Sometimes that is OK.

So the other day my little Kendall and I went to Walmart. Kendall LOVES.. loves.. loves Walmart. She decided this last trip that she was old enough to walk in Walmart instead of sit in the cart.. I conceded, no big deal. She is getting older.. it's fun to see her explore her environment.

"Hi lady!!" I hear my daughter say.. she is by the bananas.. I am by the apples.. a good fifteen feet apart.

I stay within distance to watch, but I don't interfere.

"Hows your day today?" I hear Kendall continue..

The lady glances down.. stares at her and turns back around.

Kendall cocks her head.. sticks her finger in one of the bananas.. and smiles.. she tells the lady goodbye.

The lady says nothing.

I fight the urge to tell the lady that she is a rude bitch, and swoop over to give Kendall a big hug and I say.. "I am so proud of you for being so polite.. some people just don't know how to respond to that.." I don't make the lady make eye contact with me.. I am sure she feels silly enough.

"You wanna buy some shoes today Kendall?" I say

Kendall B-lines toward the shoes which both shocked and impressed me. I had no clue she knew where the shoes were.

I let her loose in that isle and watched my baby turn into a girl. A girl who has pretty intense taste. She flew from patent leather peep toes to jellies.. from jellies to flip flops and then to sling backs. I sat and watched.. and giggled and loved.. loved, loved it. She tried size eights on and insisted she was an eight.. when I know she's a size ten. She wanted the yellow peep toe sling backs with a little heel and she was ready to throw fists for them. She found a pair of cute bright pink corduroy baby doll slippers, tore the tag off of them and handed it to me. She then slipped them on, handed me her "old shoes" looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said.. "Mama.. we should get these."

oooooh... I gave her pointers for confidence, Sold.

I don't indulge my kids in this kind of thing often. I don't want them to assume that we can do this every time we go shopping, but every now and then you gotta just splurge.. and let them feel spoiled. It is OK. I hope she remembers that day we tore up the Walmart shoe isle. I spent $20.00 on a few pairs of shoes.. but to me, it was priceless.

Kendall and I ride home.. me with my red bowl and my cute new tank top and her with two fabulous pairs of shoes. We roll the windows down and laugh our buns off at our "crazy hair" that flies around in the wind. It's crazy how a 3 year old little girl makes you love being a woman.

Thank you blue eyes.. you rock my world.

Luuuuuuv Mama.

thank u. :)

2009-04-16T06:15:00.001-07:00

Song Suggestions: Never Alone by Barlow Girl

I was in a Beth Moore Bible study a few years ago. One of the things I remember most about that Bible study was in one of the lessons. But first you need to know that Beth Moore has this INSANE way of reading the Bible. As she reads it you can literally close your eyes and feel like your standing there with Jesus.. as He's.. healing the sick, loving the sick and twisted.. and doing all the beautiful holy things that make him God.. the things that make us trust Him and hope for something better when life down here on earth has.. gone to pot.

The thing I remembered? These are my words not Beth's.. but this is what I personally took from it. That God is a jealous God. He really wants us to trust Him and love Him.. He will stop at nothing to make us His. If we doubt Him in anyway.. He wants us to say it to Him.. Call Him on it. (remember these are my words not Beth's) Because how do you learn how to trust someone?? They need to prove it to you.

side note: I am not trying to come off as preachy. I am intimidated as hell to talk about God. I usually do though, because I believe in Him.

So when dilemmas come up and things don't make sense to me... I call Him on it. Usually when I do He turns around and a gives me an answer that makes me feel like a puppy with my tail between my legs.. you know, nose down to the ground making no eye contact. Can you envision?? But I get my answer.. I usually am humbled and my trust grows for Him.

I wrote a post recently called Rotten Lemonade. I was basically having one of those moments where I wanted to know where God had been. I wanted to know what my incentive was. I was sick of trying and I had sort of hit a spiritual wall. I was angry and I called Him on it. It felt good. It felt good because I knew I was going to get an answer, I always do. Sometimes.. god forbid.. I have to wait. But it was worth the wait.

So it has been what, a month and a half since the Rotten Lemonade posting.. and this is what He has shown me.. I feel like I need to tell you since I publicly pinned Him to the wall and threatened Him.

First off.. I can live life without a vehicle. It sucks.. I am still doing it. I whine to my friends and coworkers to make myself feel better, they are sick of me I am sure, but they nod and listen to me.. and feel sorry for me, and I feel better. Since Justin has been my chauffeur I have gotten to spend a little more time with him.. it's actually made us a little closer which is always nice. I didn't really ask God for any of that but He gave it to me anyway.

Then we have the whole line in my earlier post where I said.. "I am going to own this moment for what it is. I am angry. I am hopeful. I still trust. I am tired. I want good, and damn-it I deserve good."

You know that line that says "If I knew then what I know now"? When I had the accident the police never asked me for my license.. never ran my license. I was unaware that I had let my license expire. If they would have ran my license.. we would have had no insurance coverage.. aka we would have been screwed. I found this out 3 weeks later and I was so thankful.. we are so lucky. Oh and the pay cut that Justin's work decided to give him.. well he has since been promoted. We didn't even know if he was going to have a job for much longer when I got into the accident we were so stressed and worried. I just asked God to get us through it.. I guess He must be a bit of an over achiever.. or maybe just a perfectionist..

There are just to many blessing to mention.. but I am so glad I pinned Him to that wall. I am so glad I called Him on it. Because in that another lesson was learned... I handed Him fire and angry words and I questioned Him a bit.. he handed me patience and security, a bit of luck, good friends.. and of course more trust in Him.. A loving God. A jealous God.. who refocused me.. who centered me and made me realize that I need to be thankful for the things I have.. not concentrate on the things I don't have.

OK.. now it's getting to soupy.. I am not a soupy blogger. But I was handed something that I felt was undeserved.. and I was angry. Now I am again handed something that is undeserved.. and I am thankful.. and humbled.

dear God..

thank you thank you thank you thank you.. thank you.

love Renee

Forward Moving.. Always Remembering.

2009-04-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

Song Suggestion: Yesterday by Leona Lewis

Justin opens the door for me, I walk in and the warm air hits me. It smells fresh and clean, it smells like paper and office supplies. I like the smell, I take a deep breath, not because it smells good though, because I am anxious.

We walk up to him, he stands tall. His hair is dark brown and smooth, shiny. He is standing at the front desk.. he knew we were coming. He has a sharp part in his hair with some sort of cheap gel coating.. I know this because it is flaking a little, salon gel doesn't do that. I wonder why a man of his stature has cheap gel in his hair.

"He can afford gel for Christ sake.." I think to myself.

Then I realize I've zoned out completely and I am already frustrated with myself. I should be in serious mode. I look at Justin. My heart beat slows a little, because Justin makes me feel safe.. then it picks up a few notches when I see the expression on his face. It's business. It's 'don't mess with me'. It's an 'I can make your lip quiver if I want to' expression, it's confidence. I take an even deeper breath and give a sympathy smile to the man with the cheap gel in his hair.. then I share it with his secretary who is looking at me.. up and down. She is looking at my hair.. my clothes.. and then glancing over at Justin. I am suddenly aggravated.

The next five minutes were basically a slew of legal jargon bouncing off the chests of two men that both thought they were right.

"Yawn" ... I yawned. Heart rate has most definitely stabilized.

In the end my husband walked out with his chest a bit higher.. I glanced behind me as I shut the door to the office and watched the man with the sharp part in his flaky hair smile at his secretary.. looks like things went according to his plan as well.

"Weird.. what just happened.. this would have all made allot more sense if I spoke "insurance." I thought to myself again.

Justin continues his spiel as we drive away, I nod and try to absorb every bit of information he is offering me, most of which bounces of my chest and flies out the window. I am trying though. I remember when Dad died and there was so much for Mom to learn. I know this sounds a little dark, but I have major anxiety about how I would function if something would happen to him. There is so much he does. I need to know it all, I need to know how to change a tire.. how to change the oil.. I need to know about taxes and where is the circuit breaker?? Oh God I need to know where that circuit breaker is...

"Where is the circuit breaker?!" I interrupt Justin.

He sees the panic in my face and doesn't get offended that I have completely tuned out his important insurance spiel.

"You OK?" he answers "It's downstairs.. you know that."

A big smile takes over his face.

"Is my princess stressed?"

"No.. Yes.. I'm fine. Just.. don't die"..... it comes flying out..

His eyebrow raises.. and he gets this sexy little smile, the one where only one side of his lip goes up.. He kisses my forehead and tells me he will try his hardest not to die today. I feel silly and very young and I give him a hug and tell him I love him.

I realize that I cannot control life, I think losing Dad really drilled it into me. I just know that if I would lose Justin there would be so much undone. I remember shortly after Dad died I was over at Mom's. She was having a rough night.

We sat by the fire with our glasses of wine.. I knew she probably shouldn't have one because she had already taken her sleeping medication, but I chose not to take the wine from the grieving widow. After Dad passed Mom would go days without sleeping, the pills helped a little. I could tell she was relaxing, her body was. Her mind was still going.. her eyes were raw and glassy she looked tired and old and my heart broke and turned numb as I listened to her say...

"You spend your whole life living with this person.. being comfortable with this person.. making plans and dreams with this person. You spend you whole life with this person until one day they are gone and it's all gone... leaving you to spend the rest of your life wishing you would have done more.. and had more time.."

She fell asleep in the middle of the sentence.. tears streaming down her face. I wiped them and covered her up with the airplane blanket that Glenda made her. I took her wine glass and in one swallow finished it for her... then I finished mine. Gave her a kiss on her forehead and asked God to do something, I had no clue how to pray for her, it was to big, but I knew God knew what I meant.. I left. What she said was seared into me. I will never forget it.

I think that moments like that need to be processed very slowly. Any of us could be gone tomorrow.. today. I need to take what Mom said.. and appreciate the "now" that I have with Justin.. but also be aware that one of us most likely will be gone before the other. Justin says he has to go first. Wimp.. ;)

I also need to remember that God answers prayers. I look at Mom now.. breath taking. She looks 10 years younger. She is Mom to me again. She is Grandma to my kids again.. and now she is going to be a wife to a husband again. Forward moving... but always remembering.

OK.. enough writing. :) I am going to go make Brat Soup.. one of Justin's faves.. because you never know, it could be his last meal right?

xoxo

Renee

Perspective

2009-03-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Song suggestion: Thank You by Dido

Last night I woke up to Kendall coughing. It didn't really startle me, she has RSV right now and in between getting nebulized, the majority of her day is spent is spent hacking away. I feel terrible for her, an otherwise bouncing bubbly little girl now mopes around the house.. blanket trailing behind her, eyes glazed over randomly bursting into tears for no reason other then the fact that, in her words, "I just don't feel great Mama."

I lay there in bed thinking to myself.. "OK.. if she doesn't stop coughing after this round, I will get up and check on her." I almost drift off to sleep when the next session begins. UGHGHG I roll out of bed, my head is throbbing and I know I am getting what Kendall has. I am half asleep and I am dizzy. I run right into the side of the bed. It's a sharp edge, and immediately a string of obscenities come flying out of my mouth. I rub my thigh and glance over at Justin who doesn't even budge.. he's comatose. I am awake now. I hear Kendall's cough get increasingly louder and it sounds like one of those coughs that are about to be a little to productive if you know what I am saying. I reach down and grab the bucket that is conveniently sitting outside the room but when I look up at Kendall, I see something that startles me. Kendall is sitting up, she looks tired and confused. She hears me walk in the room and looks up at me, and I see thick red blood all over her hands. My heart does something I haven't quite felt before.. not with one of my children. Kendall looks at her hands and her eyes get curious.. and she looks at me. I have to be calm. I cannot do what I want to do which is rip her out of her bed and race her downstairs, turn on all the lights and scream bloody murder for Justin.

As I get closer I realize it's all over her face, it's all over her pillow, it's matted in her hair. For a split second I curse at myself for not getting my lazy ass out of bed when I heard her the first time.

"Mama is going to clean you up baby." I say.. my everything is numb. I keep thinking.. I am now going to find out that Kendall has Leukemia or something and I was bitching about us not having a vehicle??

"Ok" she says more in question form.

I know I have about 15 seconds before she realizes what is all over her and freaks. Kendall hates blood. She cries when I have an ouchy. I set her on the sink facing away from the mirror and run warm water on a wash cloth. She wants to look at herself and I just keep talking to her..

"Did you have a bad dream love?" I don't even let her answer.. "Mama had a bad dream."

I am wiping anything she can see at this point... hands, fingers, arms... trying not to look at her bloody little face because I might break. I cannot break now.

"You did?" Kendall asks.

"Yes I did.. I am.. I wish I was I mean.." I think to myself .. but out loud I say "Yes, baby but everything is going to be just fine."

I get to her face.. I start gently wiping when I see the source of my nightmare and I smile.

"Oh sweetie, your first bloody nose."

I break. I can break now, and I don't care how bloody and nasty that sweet little girls is, I kissed her and hugged her and I broke.

I hugged my kids tighter this morning. I hugged Justin tighter this morning. I told my mom I loved her, and I said a prayer for my friend who has lost a child, who actually knows the hell that I only can imagine.

Thank you Jesus, for Kendall's first bloody nose. For perspective. If I must ride around on a Schwinn and wear a matching helmet for the next 5 months I will not complain because I have the most important things I need right here with me.. living and breathing.

Love you,

Renee

Rotten Lemonade

2009-02-28T00:52:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: All at Once by Jack Jonhson

Justin, Kendall and I are crammed into his truck. Kendall is busy chatting away. No worries in the world besides if Linny (Lindsay) her babysitter is going to "take her to nap". I think to myself how wonderful it must be to have no 'major' worries.

I glance over at Justin to see if he is listening to her chat away.. to see what his facial expressions are doing. I am trying to gage what he is thinking with out having to strike up a conversation because I am not in the mood to talk. His face is blank. He is thinking because his brow is furrowed.. then again it is bright out.. maybe he is squinting. I give up, I don't feel like thinking either. I daze off watching the yellow lines on the road streak underneath the car .. one, two, three, four..

Suddenly he interrupts my thoughts and pipes in with a story that was supposed to be funny. It wasn't. I was actually more offended by it then anything and I burst into tears. Justin is horrified. Kendall stops babbling and looks at me, then promptly yells at Justin... "Thtop making Mommmy Cry!" Justin is trying desperately to console both of his women but we are both very upset at this point.

It was the combination of stress, anger, a poorly timed story with a bad delivery that sealed Justin's tomb. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't necessarily the story that has made me cry..

"It's like when you've had a bad day (sniff) you know (sniff) and you stub your (gasp) toe.. and (sniff) it all comes out and you (snort/sniff) just cry for everything that has happened in the last two weeks... or.. so." "(sniff)"

He nods.

week one- Justin's work says all company trucks are being taken due to economy

week two- I total the Explorer...

week three- Justin's work tells all employees on salary pay that there will be a 5% cut in wages.

week three 1/2- the realization the we have gone from having two nice vehicles.. to none.

I am frustrated. I am digging for some sort of answer. I want to know why this shit keeps happening to Justin and I. No... I am not frustrated. I am angry and I want to yell at someone. I want to pin someone in the corner and I want to take their upper arms in my hands with a painfully tight grip and I want to slam them against the wall over and over and over again until I get an answer. But I cannot do that to the one I want to do that to. Because though He is here.. He's being silent. I have not heard from Him yet.. but I am going to chose to believe that this is just another notch in the wall. The wall that shows where I was when I was little and how much I've grown since. I have to believe that there is this "Plan" that He has orchestrated and we are not alone in the intensely stressful journey.

I am going to own this moment for what it is. I am angry. I am hopeful. I still trust. I am tired. I want good, and damn-it I deserve good.

I watch Justin nod, and I know he knows I have reached my patience limit and it is time to treat me delicately. He does. We kiss.. I hop out of the truck and walk into the Hair Clinic. I go to the bathroom and look at myself. I cry. I wipe myself up.. I walk up to the front and invite my client back. He asks me how I am doing.. I get "good" half way out of my mouth then retract. "I am having a horrible day" I say with a smile. His eyes get wide.. and we stare at each other and there is a very comfortable silence.

When life hands you lemons.. make lemonade.. when your lemonade is rotten.. breath. Just breath.

Hand Picked

2009-01-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

Song suggestion: Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce

Look it up anywhere. Google it. Read a few books, research it or talk to a counselor. No matter what you do, you will never find the 'right' answer. How long does one wait to date after losing a spouse? There are plenty of suggestions. People are willing to give their opinions because lets be honest here.. we all really like to give our opinions. I personally love to give my opinion. I believe it's a sickness.. loving to give my opinion I mean, but now that were on the subject, I think it's whenever it feels right.

My coworker who is my age lost her father a few years before I lost mine. I think it was a God thing, I got to watch her journey before I even knew of the one that awaited me and my family. I watched her deal with her Dad's death, I watched her learn to move on and regain a sense of normalcy. I soaked it in very carefully when she told me her Mom was dating again. I knew that this may be a possibility and I needed to be ready to deal with this when and if it comes down my path. I came to the realization about a year ago that I am OK with the idea of my Mom dating. But this man can not be just any regular man. He has to be something special.

I have prayed for my mom to be able to find happiness for a long time. At first I was not specific in my definition of 'happiness' as I prayed. I mean.. I am talking to God. I know that God wants us to be specific in our prayers at times.. but I don't think it's always necessary. Sometimes it's dangerous because it's very easy to get caught up in what we think will make everything better, however.. if happiness meant finding a new best friend, a new love I prayed that God.. and Dad would hand pick this one for Mom.

People, tonight I am again so totally aware of God's impeccable timing. I am so peacefully aware of the mysterious yet specific way He works. I look back on the nights I would lay in bed next to my husband and all I could think about was the fact that my Mom is laying in bed with out hers. I just wanted her to be happy. Whatever that would entail. Tonight I had a late dinner with a Mom who could not stop smiling. I chatted with a Mom who is incredibly happy. Tonight I sat and listened to a woman who is dipping her toes into the waters of a new journey and loving every second of it. I watched her as she could barely cover up a smile where only months before it was the total opposite.

If I could say one thing to this lovely person that is putting such an authentic smile on my Mom's face.. which I am sure one day I will, It would be that I have prayed for you before there was a 'you', and now that there is a you, I know that there is a God who does answer prayers very specifically.

Renee

I-am-happy.

2009-01-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

Song suggestion: I'll fly Away by Jars of Clay and Sarah Kelly

Lately I have noticed happiness has been sort of seeping back into me. I haven't dwelt on the last five years of my life as much these past few months. These days I will be carrying about my normal routine and suddenly realize, hey I am kind of happy. I never say it say out loud, I am gun shy I confess. If I say it out loud, as silly as it sounds, I feel like I will be jinxed.

I am not sure really how to grasp the last five years. Not sure how to document them. Not sure which memories I want to pick out of each year to keep and which ones I will file in the archives. Everyday it happens where a memory is triggered and I am taken back to a specific moment.. whether it's good or bad I really don't have much of an option.

This week I had a very special memory, which was triggered by a song... that started playing as I was thinking to myself..

"Hey I am not anxious or miserable, I'm not crabby or sad.. I am happy."

I-am-happy. Three simple little words that most people take for granted. I can say that with all respect because I am one of those people. I was smiling to myself when suddenly Dad's song began to play on the radio. Normally I get a very tight knot in my stomach when this song plays because I think of Dad's funeral. It was sung so beautifully, but all I remember is being bent over in the front pew sobbing as quietly as I could, while it was sung. So therefore.. sadness is what filled me when this song had played on the radio.

Not this time though.. this time I smiled and turned it up instinctively which sort of caught me off guard. As the music got louder suddenly the real memories about this song hit me. This was me and Dad's song. It was ours.

Dad and I were on our way to Sioux Center to get a DVD player put in his new vehicle.. Justin and I had recently purchased an Explorer that had a DVD player in it.. Dad was jealous and he went out bought himself a new vehicle and had to install a DVD player in it also. Dad did the same thing a couple years earlier when we bought a black Escape, he went out and got a white one. Mom always got so mad at him! :) Ok so where was I... So on our way to Sioux Center my favorite song came on and I cranked it up loud.

"Dad if I die before you I want this song played at my funeral." I said to him seriously.

"Nae, when I die this will be played at MY funeral." he replied.

I never forgot that moment. I am not good with exact dates, but I know Dad was aggressively fighting his battle with cancer at the time. I am not sure how many months later it was, but it was clear that Dad was losing his battle. I remember Dad, Mom and I had met with a Hospice nurse and she basically told us that within a matter of weeks Dad would be to weak to be doing anything but sleep. That he would be highly medicated and probably unable to speak and if he did it would require an immense amount of energy. She was accurate.

I remember feeling really helpless the week before my Dad died. He was in pain. He was suffering, and we had to sit and watch it all. I racked my mind thinking of special things I could do for him when it hit me.. our song. He can at least listen to music. I raced to Walmart and bought it and dropped it off at the house then rushed off to work. My older sister Cora called me crying that night from my parents house. She asked me if Mom had told me what happened, she told me that Mom kept on trying to put the head phones on Dad. Dad kept taking them off and shaking his head until Mom said..

"Tom.. Nae got this for you."

Dad let her put the head phones on, and mom turned on our song. Cora and Mom went into the kitchen and peaked around the corner and cried, as they watched him raise his hands in the air and actually attempt to sing along as he cried. I would rather listen to Dad's version of "I'll fly Away" any day. Unfortunately I will have to wait for that.

You may think this is a sad memory, but to me it's happy. It has taken me awhile to find it happy, and this might not make much sense but it's a different sort of happy. It was this moment my dad and I shared briefly that turned into another moment that Cora and Mom got to share, that turned into a moment that we all shared together as a family at Dad's funeral. That to me, is a memory worth pulling out of those archives and keeping.

Printheth (Princess) and Glath Thlippers (Glass Slippers)

2008-12-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman

I am sitting in my three seasons room, the track lights are dimmed, I have my lab top on my lap and a chunk of spinach artichoke cheese that I am nibbling on in hand. Kendall is to my right.. sippy cup with milk in her left hand and a rolled up piece of honey ham with cheddar cheese inside, clutched in her right hand. She has her pink fuzzy (her blanket) wrapped around her, head to toe.. the pink tassels that trim her blanket fall around her face, and when I look at her I cannot help but smile. I never realized how entertaining it was to watch her smash that ham and cheese into her mouth. When she noticed that I was watching her she started giggling. This huge smile, it makes her nose wrinkle and her dimples show, then she throws back her head and lets out this massive chuckle. I cannot help but laugh with her. It's contagious, she is contagious.

Kendall was a fantastic baby. She was just very content. One of my most vivid memories of her as a baby was when she was only three weeks old. She had woken up for a midnight feeding and there I sat with her all bundled up watching her suck down that bottle. I dozed off with her in my arms and as my arms relaxed and released her just a bit, I startled awake. My heart pounding, I could have dropped my baby. I looked down at her to see if she was sleeping or if my reaction had woken her up and there she lay in my lap. Wide awake, which was fine, but what scared the living hell out of me was that she was staring at me and she was smiling so big that I could see her gums. I am sorry, but there is nothing normal about a three week old wide eyed and bushy tailed baby smiling at you for more the a few seconds. It's scary.. it was actually terrifying to me. It was not gas, because as I set her down in the middle of the living room and left her lay there on the floor and backed up out of the room, she continued to lay there and watch me and smile at me. I thought she was possessed. I mean seriously, what does a freekin three week old have to smile about!? I waited for her to stop smiling then walked back into the living room and I put her in her crib.. and went to bed. I was so freaked out.

The first time Kendall and I had our first little disagreement was when she was a one and a half year old. She would not take a nap and I was beyond frustrated. I remember standing over her yelling at her to get back in her room and go to bed... blah blah blah.. and she clenched her fists.. and just started yelling back.. but the thing is she couldn't talk yet, like I said she was only one and a half. But she formed this babbling language for that moment and let me have it. I was speechless. It was a fantastic slap in the face. I knew I sounded exactly the same to her as she sounded to me. This is when I scooped her up and loved her and cuddled her. She went to bed after that. No argument. Kendall has always been able to get her point across. Whether she's been three weeks old or three years old. She's a bundle of emotion.

Kendall is eccentric, she is expressive. She has this wild sense of style that I absolutely love. She calls all her shoes, "glath thlipperthz" (glass slippers) and she loves her new fairy costume. She loves make up and cinderella, and dancing. Kendall changes her shirt at LEAST six times a day and each time she does, she comes to me and does a twirl, nearly landing on her bottom. Kendall only wears pants that are "the pink" and she loves any type of chocolate there is out there. She calls herself "printheth"(princess) and refuses to have her hair brushed with out a fight.

I celebrate Kendall tonight. For the her freedom of dress... her freedom of opinion, for her free little spirit. I celebrate her brother for putting up with her. I am in awe of these tiny people I call my children and I celebrate the One who gave them to me.

What would you rather be?

2008-12-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Batman Soundtrack

I am busy in the kitchen making dinner. I have pots and pans piled high in the sink, there are three different dishes cooking at once and they all must be tended to, so as not not fry the living crap out of them, when my son Cole walks in the kitchen. He leans himself against the counter on the opposite side of wear I am standing.

"Mom, what would you rather be, a seagull or a penguin?" he asks.

I know the answer right away.. "Duh, a seagull."

"Why?" He asks.

"Have you seen that documentary on a penguins life?!!" "Good lord I would rather be a turd." I answer

No offense to this magnificent bird, but man! Have you seen what they have to do to procreate? NO THANK YOU. I love my children.. but geesh I am not sure I would do what those creatures have to do just to have offspring. If you haven't seen March of the Penguins. Go out and get it.. you will understand.

Anyway Cole laughs.. and then asks me.. "So then.. which would you rather be a turd sandwich or a snotty Kleenex?"

"Hmm that's a tough one..." I pretend to ponder on this for awhile, then answer, "Most definitely a turd sandwich."

This is when he gets hysterical. "WHAT, WHY?!" he asks.

"I can handle turds.. but snotty boogers make me gag." I reply.

Now I turn the tables on him to get away from the turds and boogers talk... "What would you rather be, Superman or Batman?"

"Superman hands down!" He says. "Superman has powers.. Batman doesn't he is just a really, really strong dude who wears a mask and armor."

"Yea, but in the movies it always seems like Batman gets all the pretty ladies." I tell Cole.

He pauses for a second, then this mischievous little grin spreads across his face.. the one I saw when he was a baby and knew he was going to be trouble. The one I see now.. and know he's gonna be trouble.

"Did I say Superman?? I meant Batman." he says. Then he gives me a high-five.

Find Peace

2008-12-05T21:44:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Cry out to Jesus by Third Day

I found myself sitting in Trinity Church this week Thursday. It was 7:00 p.m. an unusual time for a funeral. Funerals that I've been to, not that there are many I've been to thankfully, have been during the day. So this one was a little different.

As I sat in the sanctuary before the service began I noticed the Christmas decorations. It took me back to almost 7 years ago.. Dec 8. Our wedding. The church is decorated, greens are hung in the stain glass windows just like every year.. the wreath is prominently displayed and the 10 foot Christmas tree is looking lovely. It is beautiful.. I remembered why I had my wedding in December, because I love Christmas so much. I love the memories of Christmas.

Then I zone back in to the present. The hear. The now. The raw and the gritty. I felt guilty being there in the presence of such pain.. and not feeling the same sadness that almost everyone who knew him was feeling.

I glanced around the room. My eyes kept getting caught on this particular couple that was sitting a few rows in front of me. As they watched the slide show of this young man.. she would smile and look over at her husband and try to find humor in some of the silly pictures that were left for us to enjoy of him. She was uncomfortable. He would return the smile.. then her attention would turn back to the slide show. His jaw line would shake. He tried to close his hand over his mouth to wipe the emotion away, only to find himself wiping the tears that would drip over his hands away. I am not sure if she even noticed. I watched as he struggled and at one point his hands were even shaking. I assumed it was a close friend.

I sat there, with my best friend, and said a silent prayer for her. Thanking God that she was right there next to me, and I still had her. That she was living and breathing beside me. I said a silent vow to myself that if she dies before me.. I will stand up in front of a million people if I have to, in honor of her, so that I could tell everyone that she was an amazing woman. Funerals make you think about this kind of stuff.

After the funeral my friend and I got to talk with this young man's sister... one of the three he had. We graduated with her. I hugged her. The embrace. The... 'thank you for coming, I am putting on this.. 'I am strong and OK face'... now please go away, embrace'. It was familiar. Even two years after my Dad has been gone. Then I glanced over at her mom. The Mother who just lost her 24 year old son, her only son and I stared. I watched the stream of people who stood there uncomfortably. Waiting to give their condolences to her.

I watched her as she took deep breaths, and smiled bravely.. she even managed to laugh with a few people. I watched her as they walked away.. and the tears just kept coming. I am sure she probably wanted to get out of there. To go somewhere alone and away, so that she can cry. For what is gone. For what is not coming back. To grieve without onlookers.

It took me to a moment that I have shoved far back in my memory, of the morning my dad died. I walked down stairs in the basement to find my Mom leaning over the washing machine, sobbing. I stood very still in the doorway and watched her for a moment.. she was hunched over my Dad's flannel pajamas, folding them one last time. When she realized I was there she was startled.

"I never realized how much I would miss him." she said still sobbing.

I hugged her. She smiled, attempting to keep the emotions at bay. I never said anything. There are no words of wisdom to give a grieving widow who just lost her husband. I gave her a kleenex and we walked upstairs to the crowd of family and friends and we simultaneously hovered about in a semi-coherent state. Funerals bring back vivid memories.

I question God's timing in things. I question why a 24 year old man, who has the rest of his life ahead of him had to die. I know it's never a good time to lose someone. But I still question. Why now? Before the holidays.. why this season has to be marked with such sadness for some. I don't understand it. But there is this underlying faith that has enveloped me. A peace that has told me it's not up to me. It's up to Him. That God has it under control. That it's not up to me to dissect life's traumas and figure out why.

I am going to choose to appreciate Christmas and the memories. I am appreciating what I still have.. what can be taken away from me tonight, tomorrow.. in a month or a year from now. I am trusting in Jeremiah 29:11.. that God has a plan for us to prosper.. No matter what life throws at us. Today I will allow a few moments to myself to feel. To feel sad and angry. But I will not waist anymore time on this, then those few moments.

What goes up.. must come down.

2008-11-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Clumsy by Fergie

I love the feeling I have when I am all put together. I had a great day this last week. It was Tuesday. I got all the laundry done, put the clean dishes away and loaded the full sink of dirty ones into the dishwasher. I vacuumed.. I even had the chance to sift the poop out Suzie's litter box. I was on top of my game. It was magical. I must have had a second wind because after all of that, I even got myself and Kendall ready with time to spare.

Right before we ran out the door.. Kendall to destination- Oma's (Grandma Peg) and I to the Hair Clinic, we both stood in front of the mirror to admire ourselves.

"I look like I princthes mama." lisped Kendall.

"I look like a hot mama." I said, smiling at Kendall

We gave each other knuckles.. (a fist to fist agreement that we both look goood.) And we strutted out the door. Our heads barely fit.

I went to work, feeling great. When you feel great, you do good work. When you do good work you feel great. It's a fantastic cycle. Some of my favorite clients came in to see me, and they all left blowing me kisses and telling me how good I am at my job (YES.. before you throw up in your mouth, I am exaggerating) but it was a good night and I was on my game. I was loving life strong.

I was still a little flighty from my fantastic day when I got home. I raided the kitchen before I went downstairs to see Justin. I had a little bit of everything. Pasta, granola bar, hot dog etc. I hadn't had the chance to eat dinner and I was famished!

I got to the top of the stairs, ready for my decent to the basement.. thought about taking off my pumps.. but changed my mind because they sort of finished off the outfit, and call me totally vain.. but I wanted to look hot for Justin. As I took that first step, my heel caught the top stair. Everything went in slow motion from there.

I distinctly remember thinking to myself... "NOOOOOOO... SHIT....... NOOOOO." Then I tried grabbing something, anything to catch myself.. there was nothing. Let me remind you I had a fully loaded plate in my right hand. I went down, head first. My plate clutched in my hand. After about three somersaults and a head slam to the side of the wall in mid-fall, I landed upside down at the bottom of the stairs. Pasta was strewn about. My hot dog was smashed into one of the stairs.. ketchup and mustard was everywhere, and I have no clue where my granola bar went. ME? Well I looked like I had been tarred and feathered so to speak.

I knew Justin heard it all, I knew he saw it all. I remember being so embarrassed. I didn't know if I should cry, or laugh. I was still in shock so nothing started hurting yet. But I didn't move a muscle. I just laid on the ground and literally soaked it all in. Then I hear Justin, who is sitting on the couch say,

"Seriously?"

That is when I started laughing, sort of. It was kind of a half cry, half laugh.

"You fell from the top didn't you?" he said.

I continued to laugh/cry and pull pasta off my face. Still laying on the ground, half afraid to move.

"I am so glad you aren't dead, because we both know EVERYONE would think I pushed you." he said laughing.

This is when I got hysterical and Justin runs over to me and sits on the floor beside me. We are both looking at the stairs now and I don't think either of us were able to breath because we were laughing so hard.

"Just TAKE OFF THE HEELS babe, seriously." he said picking a noodle out of my hair.

"Never." I groaned.

The lesson I learned?

Well the obvious.. take your shoes off before walking down the stairs if they are three inches or higher.

I learned that looks cannot always be everything. It never fails, when I am trying to be the best, the prettiest, the most talented.. I end up making an ass of myself. I end up looking like I am trying way to hard which in turn makes me, or anyone for that matter, look like an ass. Yes an A-S-S. So don't be an ass. Be you, be real, be genuine. It's much more attractive. I am sure Justin would have been much happier with me wearing less as I graced him with my presence.. then more.. but thats as far as I am going to take that. ;)

But I also realized, that I never stopped and thanked the One who is responsible for providing me a house to clean, I never thanked the One who gave me the family who uses those dishes that I loaded in the dishwasher. Never once did I thank the One who gave me the talent of doing hair, and provided me with a job I love. Never once did I thank him for a good day. And what if I would take all those nasty jobs I have to do every day and say.. "thank you for.." instead of "Uuuughghghgh why do I have to do this..."?

For example..

Thank you God that I have a cat named Suzie.. who poops in the litter box. Who I love.. who loves me. It is a blessing, God, to scoop her poop.

Okay.. you get the point I am sure. But what if we all did this? I think we would appreciate everything a tiny bit more.

If I were God.. I would've given me a swift kick in the ass, and chuckled as I went sailing down those stairs. "Ungrateful twit," I can imagine Him saying. Hmmm maybe he did. Either way. I got the point.

~Thank you God, for letting me sail down those stairs, for letting my head slam into the wall, and for the three saumersalts before I landed. Because somewhere in between, I learned to love you a bit more. To appreciate my family a bit more... and to not take myself so seriously.

P.s. I know you love me more then I love you. Thank you. amen

I AM

2008-11-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Mirror by Barlow Girl

~to the lovely lady. The person who I hardly know.. who I feel like I've known all my life. :) Let this be our creed.

I AM

This is me. I will be unapologetic.

I am someone who is loved,

and someone who is strong.

A woman who has loved,

and lost.

A woman who has damaged,

and been damaged.

I am done saying sorry to you.

This is who I am.

I am ready to be me.

This is how I will conquer.

Speak of me as you wish,

choose to be negative.

And if you do..

your words mean nothing to me.

You are nothing to me.

Because I know who I am,

I love who I am.

I will accept what I cannot be..

and work on what I can be.

~ Love, Renee

CORA

2008-11-20T08:54:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

When I was little I had this obsession with my older sister Cora. She was so smart. She always had her head in some really thick book. I would watch her face while she read, she would wear these glasses that made her look even smarter. I wasn't blessed with the luxury of having to wear glasses. Little sisters always get the shaft.

She could act also. I used to spy on her in her room. I would watch her through the nail hole in the wall at our house in Ahuas. She would look in the mirror and do very dramatic things. I thought it was so cool. I could never make out what she was saying but it looked very intense. I would go to my room and stand in front of my mirror and try to mimic her. It was never as much fun doing it myself... so I would go back and peek at her through the nail hole.

She got boobs before me. I remember asking her what having boobs felt like. She called me a pervert and rolled her eyes. I just stole one of her bras and stuffed it. I looked funny with boobs. Cora had nice boobs.. my stuffed boobs sucked. She had very pretty hips to. Bitch.

Cora's diary ROCKED. I remember when I found out via-diary that Norman kissed her and tried to grab her boob. I was so jealous. Norman was mine. He was 10 years older then me.. but who cares he was mine. She was so intense in her diary. I started my own, but all I wrote about was reading Cora's diary. Pointless. So I just went back to reading hers.

When Cora went to the United States to live with Grandma and Grandpa in Iowa, I felt betrayed. I cried for a whole day. I missed her so much it made me sick. We really weren't that close yet.. but who would I obsess over. Who would be there to protect me from.. oooh la la Norman.. when he tried to kiss me and grab my boob?!

Cora, Caleb and I had to go live with my Dad's parents, Grandma Ginny and Grandpa Paul in Grand Rapids while my little brother, Michael's, adoption was being finalized. My parents stayed in Honduras while we kids, flew to the United Sates to live with Grandma and Grandpa.. Grandma and Grandpa were NOT fun to live with. They were very strict. Grandma made us sit on the floor of their brand new van after we got done swimming because we would ruin their leather seats. Cora flicked Grandma off with her middle toe while we all hid in the back seat and giggled. Cora yelled at Grandpa for me to, he harassed me so much as I ate my ice cream sundae one night that I spilled it all over. What she did for me was heroic... I cried and she fumed... at Grandpa. Take that old man.

When Cora was in high school I stole all her clothes. I wore them and always stained them. Dad and Mom put a padlock on her door, but I just unscrewed the screws and got in that way. She had this perfume called True Love... that Ryan Marincovich gave her. I wanted to be someones True Love.. so I used half the bottle. That's also when I found out that Cora still kept a diary. JACK POT. I read that to.

Cora told me that I was her vivacious blond sister who was very strong. She made me feel like super women. In her speech at my wedding she reminded me of the time I asked her if she ever got jealous of me... then told me she did. I watch her speech at least fifty times the week after I got married and cried each time. I didn't ever realize how much I needed to hear her say those things. I promised myself that at her wedding I would do the same for her.

I took Cora to the Hair Clinic when she was home visiting so I could do her hair. I had just learned to do body waxing and she graciously volunteered to get her nostrils waxed. I dribbled wax all over her nose and we laughed so hard I wet my pants. She helped me wipe up my puddle on the floor as we laughed hysterically and got the hell out of dodge.

Cora told me it was OK to turn up the music in my Explorer, roll down the windows and smoke a cigarette while I sat on Dad's gravestone. She said Dad would love it. I couldn't smoke the cigarette. But I did do the rest. It was very nice.

Cora taught me that being me is good enough. That I don't have to be a hero to be a hero. She told me about Moses and all the amazing things he did... how he lead his people to the promise land but was never actually allowed to enter. She said that we can do great things without getting a reward. Whether it be a big or small thing we do. That the reward is just doing that great thing.

It's Cora's birthday today. What do you say to the woman who has helped shape you into the woman you are today?

I guess.. thank you and I love you.

I'll take a bottle of organization.. and throw in some willpower to.

2008-11-12T22:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. and my mind was buzzing with things I needed to do. Things that I should have of done two days ago, that I keep sweeping under the rug. Laundry.. cleaning.. buy some fish food... Cole needs new snow pants because the $40.00 pair you just bought him (with the brand name saying 'Blizzard Proof") are highly absorbent. Pay the bills, balance the checkbook.. OK so you get the point.

I felt my heart start to beat a little faster... and the muscles in my shoulders tighten. I thought.. in my haze, that I might as well just get up, make a list, and start checking it off as I go. I figured by the time the kids and Justin get up.. I will have all my tasks completed. Drink a pot of coffee and jitter my way through the rest of the day. So I sat up, crawled out of bed and made my way down stairs to the kitchen. I stood there for a minute in the quiet, dark room and just listened to the house breath. I wished my mind could be as peaceful as it was.

Next I wandered into the bathroom and flipped on the lights... ooh bright.. ewe look at me. I shut the overhead light off and kept the one in the shower on. I looked tired and kind of old. It surprised me.. not the tired part, but the old part.

"Geesh, that happened fast. " I thought.

Realizing that I would not be accomplishing anything at three in the morning, and the fact that by the time work rolled around that afternoon I would be a hot mess... I crawled back in bed.. and lay there for an hour.. angry with myself for how unorganized I have been lately. Wondering what it would be like if you could just run to the pharmacy and pick up a prescription for any 'issue's' we had. A quick fix. Wouldn't it be great?

"I'll take a bottle of organization... throw in some willpower to. Oh and what can you do about looking old? Can I have that in a capsule?"

I smile at the thought of me at the Dutch Mill Pharmacy, all disheveled, asking Patrick the pharmacist to fix my life. I imagine the facial expression he gives me.

"Put it in a capsule so I don't have to taste it please... just fix it quick."

This is when I laugh out loud.. and Justin stirs. I quickly throw my head in the pillow. And finish giggling and he begins to snore softly again.

I am not sure what I was really laughing about. The actual scenario itself playing out in my fuzzy mind or the fact that I was thinking about all this at... by that time it was around 3:45 in the morning. But I was grateful for the for the late night chuckle. It took the edge off. Eventually my eyes got heavy and I drifted off to sleep.

The picture? I found it and loved it. It portrayed my exact feelings the moment I woke up last night. Though I didn't grab a glass of wine and suck down a cigarette. I wanted to.

Reconnecting

2008-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

Last night Justin and I had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. He he... that makes us sound like were in our mid fifties.. But if you've started a family you know, it inevitably happens. You grow older, have children and don't have time to "play" with your friends every weekend.

So when Crisinda called me last Thursday to see if we could go out for dinner I said yes.... yes, yes, yes! These are friends that no matter what, when we get together we pick up right where we left off. Friends we feel comfortable with.

So, here is some background. Crisinda and I went to middle school and high school together. While I wish we could say we were the best of friends all through the years.. I can't. In fact we were completely nasty to each other most of the time. I had fatefully been placed next to her locker for seven years because of the "alphabetical curse" Vander Pol...Vander Broek. We were friends with each other when it was convenient for ourselves. I cannot tell you how many hours I waisted scheming against her. Like the time she "accidentally" slammed my hand in her locker... and then giggled. Oooh I wanted to shove her head in the locker and slam the door... and giggle. But I waited patiently for my next time to attack. One time I taped a picture of a Frizz Ease add on her locker.. then waited for her to see it and let her cry on my shoulder. Oh revenge is best served cold. Unfortunately Mr. Bakker caught me red handed and I received my first in-school suspension. DAMN.. it was bitter sweet. I have many more of those stories but that is not the point. The point of this "post" is the fact that Crisinda and I have become so much closer though our adversity. Crisinda and Justin used to date. Actually I went on a double date with her and Justin once. ( Must have been a good week for her and I :) ) I remember seeing Justin at her locker everyday. When they broke up fates collided and Justin moved a locker down... awkward I am sure, but girls can be bitches.. and I was one. Crisinda and I didn't really have much to do with each other after that. Justin and I got married and Crisinda went to college..

Now Brian. Brian and Justin's story is much different. They have been friends since they were little. They grew up together, went to college and did pretty much everything else together. Brian has been through everything with Justin and I. He was the best man in our wedding. He's seen our good, our bad and our most nasty situations. When Brian and Crisinda reconnected I was not sure what to think. Brian... our best friend, was dating Crisinda, Justin's ex-girlfriend. Awkward at first. The only person who made it awkward was me, and once I realized this, I got over it. Brian and Crisinda got married. It was a beautiful wedding.

Now years later we both have two children.. a boy and a girl and our lives are busy. It makes us appreciate spending time with them even more. Last night we went to Kimbre, an insanely yummy steak restaurant that is located in a town past Worthington... out in the middle of nowhere. It was about an hour drive that felt like 20 minutes.

So nice to laugh so hard your stomach hurts and your face feels like it might be sore the next day. So nice to slip away from our regular everyday life and just enjoy two people we love very much. I am not sure when we will get to throw in 2-Pacs greatest hits, turn the volume up and pretend we can all keep up with Brian rapping but when the opportunity rises. Justin and I will take it.

Boo Boo

2008-11-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Kendall ripped a whole roll of toilet paper to shreds today.

She put it all in the sink and filled it with water,

then she threw in 4 rags and about 15 pumps of my Pure and

Natural hand soap.

I found her stirring the concoction. Talking to herself... mumbling

something about cooking and cleaning.

My first instinct was to shriek.

Bubbles and wadded up toilet paper, my clean wash clothes

that I had just washed and folded.

Her first instinct was to cry. I scared her,

or maybe I hurt her feelings.

I should have approached her more delicately.

I cleaned up her mess.

While I cleaned she moved on to Suzi's food and water dish.

again I walked over to her...

again she was mumbling something about cooking, while she mixed

the little pieces of cat food and the water together.

Not sure what motivates her to make these messes.

This time I just watch and she doesn't know.

She's pretending she's me. I am listening her say things

that only I say. Like...

In a minute boo boo... she doesn't like it when I call her that.

I am flattered.

I will let the meow mix and water mixture slide.

Has she been walking around pretending to me all this time?

Making messes and mumbling to herself..

hmmm, I guess she's not to far off.

School Bus Rumble

2008-11-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I found out that Cole got into a fight on the school bus.

I had just gotten home from work, I was tired and ready chill. I kicked off my four inch wedges, shoved what ever I could find into my mouth and collapsed into a chair next to Justin. That's when he dropped the bomb.

WHAT!? A fight?! He's seven. What could a seven year old possibly get into a punching fight over? I was Furious, spewing out as many questions as I could actually ask in as little time as possible to figure out what in the HELL happened on that bus. Half of whatever I was eating.. I honestly don't remember, went sailing in Justin's direction the other went down the wrong tube.

"It's been happening for awhile I guess, this boy has been harassing Cole on the bus." Justin explained to me.

I saw red. I saw fire. I was shaking. I wanted to find this young man and twist his little neck until I heard a satisfying.. snap. That is what I wanted to do.

"He waits till Cole gets on bus.. and then picks on him. He punched Cole in the stomach and called him fat." He went on.

"FAT? He what? FAT??" I kept asking more questions... I wanted to understand why a kid could be so mean. I love my son, of course I am going to want to rip the head off this... this..

"What's this little punks name!?" I asked Justin... almost screaming at him.

I wanted to rip little Antuan to shreds. "ANTUAN?! Seriously. "

By the next morning I had calmed down. I was able to talk to Cole and see how he was recovering from his traumatic day. He sat on the counter eating the usual roast beef sandwich that he always eats every morning for breakfast.

I asked if he was OK, if he wanted to talk about the.. "fight". To my surprise he was very at ease with the whole event. It became clear to me that I was more traumatized then he. I gave him the whole, "you are special no matter what you look like" speech. He could have cared less. I asked Cole how he was going to approach ..ughghghghgh Antuannnnnn... when they saw each other today. Cole just stared at me like I was so corny.

What a realization. I cannot always be there to protect him. I can only pray for his protection. I cannot shield him from the bad things that come flying in his direction. I can only be there for him after they happen to him. I cannot fight his battles and I most certainly cannot snap every little boys neck that wrongs my son. But I most definitely will show him a mean right hook just in case it ever happens again. ;)

The "new" Normal

2008-11-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

Song Suggestion: Yesterday by Leona Lewis

If you have lost someone you love, whether it was unexpected or you watched them slowly leave this earth, you know the raw emotion that comes with the healing process. I like to give the example of wading through waist deep water. Very cold, waist deep water. You would like to move a little faster to get yourself out onto dry land. Land. Something that is sturdy and familiar. Only to find that you cannot sprint though water, you wade. But you have to press on, moving almost in slow motion.

Slowly life has moved on for my family and I. But it has changed. The loss of my Dad has transformed the entire dynamic of my family. I have waited for life to become normal again. Only to realize that a new normal has been created. The life that leaves him in the past, in my memories. In the pictures plastered on my walls. In his hand writing on the cards and letters that I have saved. He's always lingering somewhere in my mind. Or in a song on the radio. Sometimes the sense of loss will pour over me and I feel as if I want to rip my heart out of my chest. Because for one moment I want to be done feeling. I want to know what that feels like.

I had a moment tonight that caught me off guard. I don't like those moments. You don't see them coming and then it smacks you upside the head and leaves you spinning and sinking. Trying to claw your way to the surface and regain your composure before people notice. As I sat in my Sunday night Bible study I was asked how many years it's been since Dad died. I am Ok with that question, but for some reason a nerve was hit. Maybe it was because I was tired and I tend to be a bit more emotional, or maybe it was because I didn't have Justin beside me tonight, to put his hand on my leg and let me know I am strong and that everything will be fine. I don't know. But I answered with surprisingly little emotion.

Suddenly others from my group began to converse about their loved one's who are battling cancer and winning. For now. Excuse my negativity, and I had to swallow slowly and breath very deeply. I listened to them discuss the effects chemotherapy and radiation has had on their sister's and mother's bodies. I felt guilty for not being able to really know and feel what Dad felt, how much he suffered. I wondered how much pain he actually hid from me so I wouldn't have to watch him suffer. I was angry that he didn't make it. It was a painful moment and I wanted to run out of the room, jump in my car and sob. We ended our study. And I did. For four blocks I cried. As I pulled into my church parking lot to pick up Cole, I pulled down my visor, wiped the streams of mascara from my face and sat there staring at myself. Cole climbed into the Explorer, I turned around to look at him and cleared my throat. In my best happy mommy voice I asked, "How was church buddy?" He didn't stop talking till we got home fifteen minutes later and I was very grateful.

Life goes on, painful moments happen. I am allowed to struggle with this. I find peace in that. In the end I had an amazing Dad, and I was lucky.... When I lay my head on my pillow tonight, my heart still aches. But I feel peace.

Kendall

2008-10-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

When Justin and I decided to try and expand our family I became somewhat obsessed with the whole "planned" pregnancy idea. I think it was because my first pregnancy was so out of my control that I felt very strongly about being prepared. I bought about a million books to prepare me for my up coming voyage. Books that would help me conceive faster, baby name books, books that told me when I was ovulating and approximately what time of the day. I buried myself in baby knowledge. I watched every single Baby Story on TLC and I cried with each birth, imagining how Justin and I would feel the day our second child came into the world. I made sure I new every single holiday that was coming up so I could coordinate a theme with how I would announce to my family that I was in fact.. (sigh) pregnant. Meanwhile the months slowly rolled by. I would pray for this child that I was to bare, praying that God would teach me patience, but that I would get pregnant soon. I confess now that I would pray for a little girl. Even the sex of this child I wanted to control. I made a promise to myself that if I did have a girl I would drop everything I was doing to paint her toenails if she'd ask me.

With each day that passed I became more desperate. I still remember the days my closest friends called me and told me they were pregnant. I remember choking out the words " Oh my GOSH! I am so happy for you!" Then moments later hanging up the phone and literally falling to the floor sobbing yelling at God. "How cruel. How do you just rub my face in this and then call yourself a loving God. .. I want this. I want this more then them."

How silly I must have looked from His prospective. How obvious to me, when I look back what God was trying to rub in my face. If I would have stopped my perpetual wining I would have heard God whispering.. "Don't you realize yet you cannot control EVERYTHING in your life." It was not up to me or the doctors, it was up to God.

The day I found out I was pregnant was the one happiest days of my life. It was New Years Eve and I was able to announce to my entire family and my best friends during dinner that I was going to have a baby. I could not have asked for a more special moment then that.... Well, I guess giving birth to that baby girl ranked right up there as well. I am very proud to tell you that not once in the last three years have I turned down the opportunity to paint her little toes. So blessed to paint those toes.

Loving You is So Easy

I love to press my face against yours

and breath your scent in.

I love to put my lips against yours

and give you kisses while you giggle.

When I get home and you squeal,

I love the way that makes me feel.

When you sing Jesus Love Me,

I know how much He does,

and when you make me sing Sunshine..

I hope you know you are my sunshine.

Your smile takes my breath away

and your personality makes me smile.

Little one, loving you is so easy,

I pray you feel the same.

When you grow older and your youth fades,

I will try to be content.

I will welcome the smell of your perfume,

just as I welcomed you into this world.

Someday the pitter patter of your feet

will give way to the clicks of your heels.

One day those crazy bouncing curls

might be combed and place just so.

Years will fly by,

crayons and sidewalk chalk will sit on the shelf

replaced by blush and mascara.

Cinderella will lose her luster

and Santa will be the man with the white beard.

But there is one thing age can't touch.

I will always be your mother.

In life and through death we'll always have this bond.

The mother, daughter bond.

Beautiful, special one,

loving you is so easy.

Love mama :)

COLE

2008-10-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

When I was 19 years old I found out I was pregnant. I remember holding the pregnancy test in my hands and this feeling of devastation washed over me. My life had come to an abrupt halt, it literally froze in time as I sat on the bathroom floor and wept. I didn't know how I would tell my parents, or Justin's parents. I didn't know how to move forward. I was angry and scared and I felt very alone. I wanted to ask God why he let this happen, but I didn't because the answer was already buzzing though my head.

When I told my mom and dad I was pregnant I was terrified, the daughter of missionaries, I figured this would be the last straw. Being quite a hell raiser in high school I thought my parents would tell me enough is enough. I remember walking into the living room and the lights were off, my mom lay on the couch sleeping peacefully unaware that her youngest daughter was about to drop a whopper on her. I wanted to stand their in the quiet and take it all in for a few more moments. The calm before the storm. Little did I know that after I told her she would put my face in her hands and ask me if I was OK. Give me a strong hug and tell me she loved me. Little did I know of Gods grace and his plan.

This is my story 7 years later. Someday hopefully Cole, my son, will read this and understand that just because his mommy and daddy might not have been prepared for his arrival. Somebody was.

PLANNED

You came to me unexpected.

God gave you to me and I didn't ask.

What makes me so special?

Like thunder after a lightning storm,

the ones you and I like to watch.

Scary at first but what a thrill,

just like you coming into my life.

And all at once you were here,

you make me a better woman.

God gave you to me, but I never asked..

How did I get so lucky?

Remember to try and be prepared,

God will give you something you don't ask for,

and when he does stop and remember our story.

You were planned, created and placed in my arms.

God turned me into a mother

He turned you into a son.

Now we will both watch you grow up

and to soon you'll turn into a man.

This time I'll know that life isn't in my hands.

I'll give Him to you because you are His

and together we will raise you.

He will love you strong, please love Him strong,

he loves you more then I do.

Inconceivable, incredible, indescribable

that He loves you more then I do.

Grow up child, go into this world,

slow up child.. don't do it to soon.

This world may not be ready for you.

But just like I, it will adjust

and wrap it's arms around you,

And just like your mother

it may and will sin against you.

But one thing will always be certain..

He planned you, God made you

He knows everything about you,

God chose ME to be your mother.

I'll thank him forever, I'll love you for always..

as long as I'm living our son you will be.