Song Suggestion: All at Once by Jack Jonhson
Justin, Kendall and I are crammed into his truck. Kendall is busy chatting away. No worries in the world besides if Linny (Lindsay) her babysitter is going to "take her to nap". I think to myself how wonderful it must be to have no 'major' worries.
I glance over at Justin to see if he is listening to her chat away.. to see what his facial expressions are doing. I am trying to gage what he is thinking with out having to strike up a conversation because I am not in the mood to talk. His face is blank. He is thinking because his brow is furrowed.. then again it is bright out.. maybe he is squinting. I give up, I don't feel like thinking either. I daze off watching the yellow lines on the road streak underneath the car .. one, two, three, four..
Suddenly he interrupts my thoughts and pipes in with a story that was supposed to be funny. It wasn't. I was actually more offended by it then anything and I burst into tears. Justin is horrified. Kendall stops babbling and looks at me, then promptly yells at Justin... "Thtop making Mommmy Cry!" Justin is trying desperately to console both of his women but we are both very upset at this point.
It was the combination of stress, anger, a poorly timed story with a bad delivery that sealed Justin's tomb. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't necessarily the story that has made me cry..
"It's like when you've had a bad day (sniff) you know (sniff) and you stub your (gasp) toe.. and (sniff) it all comes out and you (snort/sniff) just cry for everything that has happened in the last two weeks... or.. so." "(sniff)"
He nods.
week one- Justin's work says all company trucks are being taken due to economy
week two- I total the Explorer...
week three- Justin's work tells all employees on salary pay that there will be a 5% cut in wages.
week three 1/2- the realization the we have gone from having two nice vehicles.. to none.
I am frustrated. I am digging for some sort of answer. I want to know why this shit keeps happening to Justin and I. No... I am not frustrated. I am angry and I want to yell at someone. I want to pin someone in the corner and I want to take their upper arms in my hands with a painfully tight grip and I want to slam them against the wall over and over and over again until I get an answer. But I cannot do that to the one I want to do that to. Because though He is here.. He's being silent. I have not heard from Him yet.. but I am going to chose to believe that this is just another notch in the wall. The wall that shows where I was when I was little and how much I've grown since. I have to believe that there is this "Plan" that He has orchestrated and we are not alone in the intensely stressful journey.
I am going to own this moment for what it is. I am angry. I am hopeful. I still trust. I am tired. I want good, and damn-it I deserve good.
I watch Justin nod, and I know he knows I have reached my patience limit and it is time to treat me delicately. He does. We kiss.. I hop out of the truck and walk into the Hair Clinic. I go to the bathroom and look at myself. I cry. I wipe myself up.. I walk up to the front and invite my client back. He asks me how I am doing.. I get "good" half way out of my mouth then retract. "I am having a horrible day" I say with a smile. His eyes get wide.. and we stare at each other and there is a very comfortable silence.
When life hands you lemons.. make lemonade.. when your lemonade is rotten.. breath. Just breath.
