Hand Picked

Song suggestion:   Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce

 

    Look it up anywhere.  Google it.  Read a few books, research it or talk to a counselor.  No matter what you do, you will never find the 'right' answer.    How long does one wait to date after losing a spouse?  There are plenty of suggestions.  People are willing to give their opinions because lets be honest here.. we all really like to give our opinions.  I personally love to give my opinion.  I believe it's a sickness.. loving to give my opinion I mean, but now that were on the subject, I think it's whenever it feels right.  

    My coworker who is my age lost her father a few years before I lost mine.  I think it was a God thing, I got to watch her journey before I even knew of the one that awaited me and my family.  I watched her deal with her Dad's death, I watched her learn to move on and regain a sense of normalcy.  I soaked it in very carefully when she told me her Mom was dating again.  I knew that this may be a possibility and I needed to be ready to deal with this when and if it comes down my path.  I came to the realization about a year ago that I am OK with the idea of my Mom dating. But this man can not be just any regular man.  He has to be something special.    

     I have prayed for my mom to be able to find happiness for a long time.  At first I was not specific in my definition of 'happiness' as I prayed.  I mean.. I am talking to God.  I know that God wants us to be specific in our prayers at times.. but I don't think it's always necessary. Sometimes it's dangerous because it's very easy to get caught up in what we think will make everything better, however.. if happiness meant finding a new best friend, a new love I prayed that God.. and Dad would hand pick this one for Mom.

   People,  tonight I am again so totally aware of God's impeccable timing.  I am so peacefully aware of the mysterious yet specific way He works.   I look back on the nights I would lay in bed next to my husband and all I could think about was the fact that my Mom is laying in bed with out hers. I just wanted her to be happy.  Whatever that would entail.   Tonight I had a late dinner with a Mom who could not stop smiling.   I chatted with a Mom who is incredibly happy. Tonight I sat and listened to a woman who is dipping her toes into the waters of a new journey and loving every second of it.   I watched her as she could barely cover up a smile where only months before it was the total opposite.    

  If I could say one thing to this lovely person that is putting such an authentic smile on my Mom's face.. which I am sure one day I will, It would be that I have prayed for you before there was a 'you', and now that there is a you, I know that there is a God who does answer prayers very specifically.     

Renee

  

    

I-am-happy.

Song suggestion:  I'll fly Away by Jars of Clay and Sarah Kelly

  Lately I have noticed happiness has been sort of seeping back into me.  I haven't dwelt on the last five years of my life as much these past few months.   These days I will be carrying about my normal routine  and suddenly realize, hey I am kind of happy.  I never say it say out loud, I am gun shy I confess.  If I say it out loud, as silly as it sounds, I feel like I will be jinxed.  

  I am not sure really how to grasp the last five years.  Not sure how to document them.    Not sure which memories I want to pick out of each year to keep and which ones I will file in the archives.  Everyday it happens where a memory is triggered and I am taken back to a specific moment.. whether it's good or bad I really don't have much of an option.

  This week I had a very special memory, which was triggered by a song... that started playing as I was thinking to myself..

 "Hey I am not anxious or miserable, I'm not crabby or sad.. I am happy."

  I-am-happy.  Three simple little words that most people take for granted.  I can say that with all respect because I am one of those people.  I was smiling to myself when suddenly Dad's song began to play on the radio.  Normally I get a very tight knot in my stomach when this song plays because I think of Dad's funeral.  It was sung so beautifully, but all I remember is being bent over in the front pew sobbing as quietly as I could, while it was sung.  So therefore.. sadness is what filled me when this song had played on the radio.  

  Not this time though.. this time I smiled and turned it up instinctively which sort of caught me off guard.  As the music got louder suddenly the real memories about this song hit me.   This was me and Dad's song.  It was ours.  

   Dad and I were on our way to Sioux Center to get a DVD player put in his new vehicle.. Justin and I had recently purchased an Explorer that had a DVD player in it.. Dad was jealous and he went out bought himself a new vehicle and had to install a DVD player in it also.  Dad did the same thing a couple years earlier when we bought a black Escape, he went out and got a white one. Mom always got so mad at him!  :)  Ok so where was I... So on our way to Sioux Center my favorite song came on and I cranked it up loud.

 

 "Dad if I die before you I want this song played at my funeral."  I said to him seriously.

 "Nae, when I die this will be played at MY funeral."  he replied.

  I never forgot that moment.  I am not good with exact dates, but I know Dad was aggressively fighting his battle with cancer at the time.  I am not sure how many months later it was, but it was clear that Dad was losing his battle.   I remember Dad, Mom and I had met with a Hospice nurse and she basically told us that within a matter of weeks Dad would be to weak to be doing anything but sleep.  That he would be highly medicated and probably unable to speak and if he did it would require an immense amount of energy.   She was accurate.

  I remember feeling really helpless the week before my Dad died.  He was in pain.  He was suffering, and we had to sit and watch it all.  I racked my mind thinking of special things I could do for him when it hit me.. our song. He can at least listen to music.  I raced to Walmart and bought it and dropped it off at the house then rushed off to work.  My older sister Cora called me crying that night from my parents house.  She asked me if Mom had told me what happened, she told me that Mom kept on trying to put the head phones on Dad.  Dad kept taking them off and shaking his head until Mom said.. 

 "Tom.. Nae got this for you."  

  Dad let her put the head phones on, and mom turned on our song.   Cora and Mom went into the kitchen and peaked around the corner and cried, as they watched him raise his hands in the air and actually attempt to sing along as he cried.   I would rather listen to Dad's version of  "I'll fly Away" any day.  Unfortunately I will have to wait for that.  

  You may think this is a sad memory, but to me it's happy.  It has taken me awhile to find it happy, and this might not make much sense but it's a different sort of happy.  It was this moment my dad and I shared briefly that turned into another moment that Cora and Mom got to share, that turned into a moment that we all shared together as a family at Dad's funeral.   That to me, is a memory worth pulling out of those archives and keeping.