Song suggestion: Thank You by Dido
Last night I woke up to Kendall coughing. It didn't really startle me, she has RSV right now and in between getting nebulized, the majority of her day is spent is spent hacking away. I feel terrible for her, an otherwise bouncing bubbly little girl now mopes around the house.. blanket trailing behind her, eyes glazed over randomly bursting into tears for no reason other then the fact that, in her words, "I just don't feel great Mama."
I lay there in bed thinking to myself.. "OK.. if she doesn't stop coughing after this round, I will get up and check on her." I almost drift off to sleep when the next session begins. UGHGHG I roll out of bed, my head is throbbing and I know I am getting what Kendall has. I am half asleep and I am dizzy. I run right into the side of the bed. It's a sharp edge, and immediately a string of obscenities come flying out of my mouth. I rub my thigh and glance over at Justin who doesn't even budge.. he's comatose. I am awake now. I hear Kendall's cough get increasingly louder and it sounds like one of those coughs that are about to be a little to productive if you know what I am saying. I reach down and grab the bucket that is conveniently sitting outside the room but when I look up at Kendall, I see something that startles me. Kendall is sitting up, she looks tired and confused. She hears me walk in the room and looks up at me, and I see thick red blood all over her hands. My heart does something I haven't quite felt before.. not with one of my children. Kendall looks at her hands and her eyes get curious.. and she looks at me. I have to be calm. I cannot do what I want to do which is rip her out of her bed and race her downstairs, turn on all the lights and scream bloody murder for Justin.
As I get closer I realize it's all over her face, it's all over her pillow, it's matted in her hair. For a split second I curse at myself for not getting my lazy ass out of bed when I heard her the first time.
"Mama is going to clean you up baby." I say.. my everything is numb. I keep thinking.. I am now going to find out that Kendall has Leukemia or something and I was bitching about us not having a vehicle??
"Ok" she says more in question form.
I know I have about 15 seconds before she realizes what is all over her and freaks. Kendall hates blood. She cries when I have an ouchy. I set her on the sink facing away from the mirror and run warm water on a wash cloth. She wants to look at herself and I just keep talking to her..
"Did you have a bad dream love?" I don't even let her answer.. "Mama had a bad dream."
I am wiping anything she can see at this point... hands, fingers, arms... trying not to look at her bloody little face because I might break. I cannot break now.
"You did?" Kendall asks.
"Yes I did.. I am.. I wish I was I mean.." I think to myself .. but out loud I say "Yes, baby but everything is going to be just fine."
I get to her face.. I start gently wiping when I see the source of my nightmare and I smile.
"Oh sweetie, your first bloody nose."
I break. I can break now, and I don't care how bloody and nasty that sweet little girls is, I kissed her and hugged her and I broke.
I hugged my kids tighter this morning. I hugged Justin tighter this morning. I told my mom I loved her, and I said a prayer for my friend who has lost a child, who actually knows the hell that I only can imagine.
Thank you Jesus, for Kendall's first bloody nose. For perspective. If I must ride around on a Schwinn and wear a matching helmet for the next 5 months I will not complain because I have the most important things I need right here with me.. living and breathing.
Love you,
Renee
