Song Suggestion: Big Strong Girl by The Weepies
Special thanks to Mrs. Kimberlee Soo for letting me use her lovely photo.
(kimberleesoo.com) You continually inspire me.
Same goes to the very talented photographer Kat Powers.
Have you ever had a night where you dreamt all night long? I know they say that you always dream when your sleeping. But have you ever had it when you wake up and remember them... all of them? Last night I had a busy night. Of dreaming. I woke up this morning and as my mind yawned.. stretched and slowly woke up all those dreams came back to me one at a time. The dreams were all jumbled up together. Bits of my yesterday morning were intertwined with my evening.. comments I made to my children were blended with conversations with my close friends.. some things were just thrown in there that my mind created and I am left to wonder what they mean. I believe dreams tell you allot about your life, and the ones that you remember that you don't understand are placed there to make you ponder what they mean. Sort of like when your having a really shitty day and you cannot figure out if it is one specific thing or a combination of things. You think and think and when you find the answer you feel better. It's the itch that you finally can scratch and you move on.
I am at my church parking lot. I get out of my vehicle. I am not sure why we are at church meeting my whole family to go the the Sioux Center pool, but it's one of those things that dreams do.. they just throw something random in the middle of it. Bottom line is my entire family.. everyone from Aunt's to Uncle's.. brothers, sisters and their spouses.. we are all going to hit the pool. I was so happy. I went to bring some muffins to some one's car. I think it was Auntie Fran's.. (yes I know that sounds like I am 3 years old but she has always been my Auntie) I handed her the muffin's and I turned around and everyone was gone. Including my new vehicle which made me go into a major panic attack. My purse and cell phone were in the car. I couldn't contact anyone and the police were less then helpful. Somehow I get sandwiched into a tiny car right between two of the largest men I have ever seen.. and I couldn't remember any one's numbers, so even though the large dudes let me borrow their cell phones I couldn't get a hold of my family.. who were probably wondering where I was.. or enjoying themselves pool side. I was hysterical.
The dream went on and on.. but to spare you the rambling, the best part came at the end.
My sister suddenly showed up. My best friends Randi and Crisinda showed up too.... then suddenly everyone started surrounding me and I started crying.. and yelling at them. All of them. I kept on saying I needed you here with me. I was angry but relieved. I wasn't showing relief at that moment.. I was showing this blistering hot anger and sobbing. No one's faces changed they kept getting closer and closer.. one by one.. Caleb my brother.. Aj my sister-in-law.. Annie my cousin, my Mom and future step-Dad.. until I was the center of this giant circle. It was all people I loved.. but I couldn't calm myself. Why was I even angry? The feeling was raw. I kept spinning around and around until one of my best friends.. Jonna grabbed me and put my face in her hands and said.. "It's a season baby." Then instantly I was somewhere else. Everyone was gone again but there was peace. Real peace. I was done crying and being angry. Gone so suddenly and feeling good so instantaneously that I still remember the feeling right now as I sit here in front of my laptop. I like to think that it is what sick people feel like when they die and go to heaven.
I was guided through this old house.. and someone was following me talking and it was a normal voice it was familiar and I didn't even think twice about it. I didn't think about it when I noticed the old wood carved bowls sitting on the counter that were so familiar to me .. the wicker baskets that hung from the ceiling.. It didn't feel weird to walk into the living room and feel the cold wood floor creak underneath my feet but.. it was familiar. I finally turned around and there he was just standing in front of me like normal.. Healthy and fine.. It felt so good to see him. I cannot explain it. But I didn't think of it as your dead and now your alive. It's like he had always been there.. like I said I cannot explain that feeling of just peace. All I remember next is sitting down and saying..
"How do I do this?"
Do what?? Yes that is my question. Live with out a Dad... I don't know. But that question came out of my mouth so pointedly.
Dad smiled and said. "It's easy.."
I remember talking more, but for some reason I don't remember what was said. I just feel better. I sit here now and a flood of emotion is hitting me because I can now read my dream over and over again and I am getting it. As I anticipate this upcoming Father's day I still am so, so, so lost with out him. I don't need to always put on happy face Renee. My wounds are still healing and I have a lot of scar tissue.
But I have these friends and family that surround me.. and they love me. And I love them, for where ever they are in their lives. We are all in different seasons and I am going to be Ok.. I'm a big strong girl.
To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.
Mary Oliver
Mary Oliver
