Kendall

When Justin and I decided to try and expand our family I became somewhat obsessed with the whole "planned" pregnancy idea.  I think it was because my first pregnancy was so out of my control that I felt very strongly about being prepared.  I bought about a million books to prepare me for my up coming voyage.  Books that would help me conceive faster,  baby name books, books that told me when I was ovulating and approximately what time of the day.  I buried myself in baby knowledge.  I watched every single Baby Story on TLC and I cried with each birth, imagining how Justin and I would feel the day our second child came into the world.    I made sure I new every single holiday that was coming up so I could coordinate a theme with how I would announce to my family that I was in fact.. (sigh) pregnant.   Meanwhile the months slowly rolled by.  I would pray for this child that I was to bare, praying that God would teach me patience, but that I would get pregnant soon.  I confess now that I would pray for a little girl.  Even the sex of this child I wanted to control.  I made a promise to myself that if I did have a girl I would drop everything I was doing to paint her toenails if she'd ask me.

  With each day that passed I became more desperate.  I still remember the days my closest friends called me and told me they were pregnant.  I remember choking out the words " Oh my GOSH!  I am so happy for you!"  Then moments later hanging up the phone and literally falling to the floor sobbing yelling at God.  "How cruel.  How do you just rub my face in this and then call yourself a loving God. .. I want this.  I want this more then them."    

  How silly I must  have looked from His prospective. How obvious to me, when I look back what God was trying to rub in my face.  If I would have stopped my perpetual wining I would have heard God whispering..  "Don't you realize yet you cannot control EVERYTHING in your life."  It was not up to me or the doctors, it was up to God.  

   The day I found out I was pregnant was the one happiest days of my life.  It was New Years Eve and I was able to announce to my entire family and my best friends during dinner that I was going to have a baby.  I could not have asked for a more special moment then that....  Well, I guess giving birth to that baby girl ranked right up there as well.    I am very proud to tell you that not once in the last three years have I turned down the opportunity to paint her little toes.  So blessed to paint those toes.    

  

Loving You is So Easy

I love to press my face against yours 

and breath your scent in.

I love to put my lips against yours

 and give you kisses while you giggle.

When I get home and you squeal,

I love the way that makes me feel.

When you sing Jesus Love Me,

I know how much He does,

and when you make me sing Sunshine..

I hope you know you are my sunshine.

Your smile takes my breath away

and your personality makes me smile.

Little one, loving you is so easy,

I pray you feel the same.

When you grow older and your youth fades,

I will try to be content.

I will welcome the smell of your perfume,

just as I welcomed you into this world.

Someday the pitter patter of your feet

will give way to the clicks of your heels.

One day those crazy bouncing curls

might be combed and place just so.

Years will fly by,  

crayons and sidewalk chalk will sit on the shelf

replaced by blush and mascara.

Cinderella will lose her luster

and Santa will be the man with the white beard.

But there is one thing age can't touch.

I will always be your mother.

In life and through death we'll always have this bond.

The mother, daughter bond.

Beautiful, special one,

loving you is so easy.

Love mama :)

 

   

COLE

  When I was 19 years old I found out I was pregnant.  I remember holding the pregnancy test in my hands and this feeling of devastation washed over me.  My life had come to an abrupt halt, it literally froze in time as I sat on the bathroom floor and wept.   I didn't know how I would tell my parents, or Justin's parents.  I didn't know how to move forward.  I was angry and scared and I felt very alone.  I wanted to ask God why he let this happen, but I didn't because the answer was already buzzing though my head.    

   When I told my mom and dad I was pregnant I was terrified,  the daughter of missionaries, I figured this would be the last straw.  Being quite a hell raiser in high school I thought my parents would tell me enough is enough.  I remember walking into the living room and the lights were off, my mom lay on the couch sleeping peacefully unaware that her youngest daughter was about to drop a whopper on her.  I wanted to stand their in the quiet and take it all in for a few more moments.  The calm before the storm.  Little did I know that after I told her she would put my face in her hands and ask me if I was OK. Give me a strong hug and tell me she loved me.   Little did I know of Gods grace and his plan.  

  This is my story 7 years later.  Someday hopefully Cole, my son,  will read this and understand that just because his mommy and daddy might not have been prepared for his arrival.  Somebody was.

PLANNED

You came to me unexpected.

God gave you to me and I didn't ask.

What makes me so special?

Like thunder after a lightning storm,

the ones you and I like to watch.

Scary at first but what a thrill,

just like you coming into my life.

And all at once you were here,

you make me a better woman.

God gave you to me, but I never asked..

How did I get so lucky?

Remember to try and be prepared,

 God will give you something you don't ask for,

and when he does stop and remember our story. 

You were planned, created and placed in my arms.

God turned me into a mother

He turned you into a son.

Now we will both watch you grow up

and to soon you'll turn into a man.

This time I'll know that life isn't in my hands.

I'll give Him to you because you are His

and together we will raise you.

He will love you strong, please love Him strong,

he loves you more then I do.

Inconceivable, incredible, indescribable

that He loves you more then I do.

Grow up child, go into this world,

slow up child.. don't do it to soon.

This world may not be ready for you.

But just like I, it will adjust

and wrap it's arms around you,

And just like your mother

it may and will sin against you.

But one thing will always be certain..

He planned you, God made you

He knows everything about you,

 God chose ME to be your mother.

I'll thank him forever, I'll love you for always..

as long as I'm living our son you will be.