How lovely to be a woman..

Song Suggestion: How Lovely To be a Woman by Anne Margret

Grocery shopping can be intense. I usually prefer to go to Super Walmart. It's a busy mom's perfect one-stop-shop. You can get everything you need.. without having to unstrap your child from their car seat and hall them into fifteen different stores. Yes.. I realize I will probably walk out with a scented candle and a cute tank top for the summer... maybe an US magazine and a red bowl.. but you know what?? Sometimes that is OK.

So the other day my little Kendall and I went to Walmart. Kendall LOVES.. loves.. loves Walmart. She decided this last trip that she was old enough to walk in Walmart instead of sit in the cart.. I conceded, no big deal. She is getting older.. it's fun to see her explore her environment.

"Hi lady!!" I hear my daughter say.. she is by the bananas.. I am by the apples.. a good fifteen feet apart.

I stay within distance to watch, but I don't interfere.

"Hows your day today?" I hear Kendall continue..

The lady glances down.. stares at her and turns back around.

Kendall cocks her head.. sticks her finger in one of the bananas.. and smiles.. she tells the lady goodbye.

The lady says nothing.

I fight the urge to tell the lady that she is a rude bitch, and swoop over to give Kendall a big hug and I say.. "I am so proud of you for being so polite.. some people just don't know how to respond to that.." I don't make the lady make eye contact with me.. I am sure she feels silly enough.

"You wanna buy some shoes today Kendall?" I say

Kendall B-lines toward the shoes which both shocked and impressed me. I had no clue she knew where the shoes were.

I let her loose in that isle and watched my baby turn into a girl. A girl who has pretty intense taste. She flew from patent leather peep toes to jellies.. from jellies to flip flops and then to sling backs. I sat and watched.. and giggled and loved.. loved, loved it. She tried size eights on and insisted she was an eight.. when I know she's a size ten. She wanted the yellow peep toe sling backs with a little heel and she was ready to throw fists for them. She found a pair of cute bright pink corduroy baby doll slippers, tore the tag off of them and handed it to me. She then slipped them on, handed me her "old shoes" looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said.. "Mama.. we should get these."

oooooh... I gave her pointers for confidence, Sold.

I don't indulge my kids in this kind of thing often. I don't want them to assume that we can do this every time we go shopping, but every now and then you gotta just splurge.. and let them feel spoiled. It is OK. I hope she remembers that day we tore up the Walmart shoe isle. I spent $20.00 on a few pairs of shoes.. but to me, it was priceless.

Kendall and I ride home.. me with my red bowl and my cute new tank top and her with two fabulous pairs of shoes. We roll the windows down and laugh our buns off at our "crazy hair" that flies around in the wind. It's crazy how a 3 year old little girl makes you love being a woman.

Thank you blue eyes.. you rock my world.

Luuuuuuv Mama.

thank u. :)

Song Suggestions:  Never Alone by Barlow Girl

  I was in a Beth Moore Bible study a few years ago.  One of the things I remember most about that Bible study was in one of the lessons.  But first you need to know that Beth Moore has this INSANE way of reading the Bible. As she reads it you can literally close your eyes and feel like your standing there with Jesus..  as He's.. healing the sick, loving the sick and twisted.. and doing all the beautiful holy things that make him God..  the things that make us trust Him and hope for something better when life down here on earth has.. gone to pot.   

  The thing I remembered?  These are my words not Beth's.. but this is what I personally took from it.  That God is a jealous God.   He really wants us to trust Him and love Him.. He will stop at nothing to make us His.  If we doubt Him in anyway..  He wants us to say it to Him.. Call Him on it. (remember these are my words not Beth's)  Because how do you learn how to trust someone??  They need to prove it to you.  

side note:  I am not trying to come off as preachy.  I am intimidated as hell to talk about God.  I usually do though, because I believe in Him.  

  So when dilemmas come up and things don't make sense to me... I call Him on it.  Usually when I do He turns around and a gives me an answer that makes me feel like a puppy with my tail between my legs.. you know, nose down to the ground making no eye contact.   Can you envision??   But I get my answer.. I usually am humbled and my trust grows for Him.  

   I wrote a post recently called Rotten Lemonade.  I was basically having one of those moments where  I wanted to know where God had been.  I wanted to know what my incentive was.  I was sick of trying and I had sort of hit a spiritual wall.    I was angry and I called Him on it.  It felt good.  It felt good because I knew I was going to get an answer, I always do.  Sometimes.. god forbid.. I have to wait.  But it was worth the wait. 

   So it has been what, a month and a half since the Rotten Lemonade posting.. and this is what He has shown me.. I feel like I need to tell you since I publicly pinned Him to the wall and threatened Him.  

  

  First off.. I can live life without a vehicle.  It sucks.. I am still doing it.  I whine to my friends and coworkers to make myself feel better, they are sick of me I am sure, but they nod and listen to me.. and feel sorry for me, and I feel better.  Since Justin has been my chauffeur I have gotten to spend a little more time with him.. it's actually made us a little closer which is always nice.  I didn't really ask God for any of that but He gave it to me anyway.

   Then we have the whole line in my earlier post where I said.. "I am going to own this moment for what it is.  I am angry.  I am hopeful.  I still trust. I am tired.  I want good, and damn-it I deserve good."     

  You know that line that says "If I knew then what I know now"?     When I had the accident the police never asked me for my license.. never ran my license.  I was unaware that I had let my license expire.  If they would have ran my license..  we would have had no insurance coverage.. aka we would have been screwed.  I found this out 3 weeks later and I was so thankful.. we are so lucky.     Oh and the pay cut that Justin's work decided to give him.. well he has since been promoted.  We didn't even know if he was going to have a job for much longer when I got into the accident we were so stressed and worried.    I just asked God to get us through it..   I guess He must be a bit of an over achiever.. or maybe just a perfectionist..

There are just to many blessing to mention.. but I am so glad I pinned Him to that wall.  I am so glad I called Him on it.  Because in that another lesson was learned...  I handed Him fire and angry words and I questioned Him a bit..  he handed me patience and security, a bit of luck, good friends.. and of course more trust in Him..  A loving God.  A jealous God.. who refocused me.. who centered me and made me realize that I need to be thankful for the things I have.. not concentrate on the things I don't have.

OK..  now it's getting to soupy.. I am not a soupy blogger.  But I was handed something that I felt was undeserved.. and I was angry.  Now I am again handed something that is undeserved.. and I am thankful.. and humbled.  

dear God..

thank you thank you thank you thank you.. thank you.

love Renee

  

Forward Moving.. Always Remembering.

Song Suggestion:  Yesterday by Leona Lewis

  Justin opens the door for me, I walk in and the warm air hits me.  It smells fresh and clean, it smells like paper and office supplies.   I like the smell, I take a deep breath, not because it smells good though, because I am anxious.  

  We walk up to him, he stands tall.  His hair is dark brown and smooth, shiny. He is standing at the front desk.. he knew we were coming.  He has a sharp part in his hair with some sort of cheap gel coating.. I know this because it is flaking a little, salon gel doesn't do that.   I wonder why a man of his stature has cheap gel in his hair.  

"He can afford gel for Christ sake.." I think to myself.

  

 Then I realize I've zoned out completely and I am already frustrated with myself.  I should be in serious mode.  I look at Justin.  My heart beat slows a little,  because Justin makes me feel safe.. then it picks up a few notches when I see the expression on his face.  It's business.  It's 'don't mess with me'.  It's an 'I can make your lip quiver if I want to' expression, it's confidence.  I take an even deeper breath and give a sympathy smile to the man with the cheap gel in his hair.. then I share it with his secretary who is looking at me.. up and down.  She is looking at my hair.. my clothes.. and then glancing over at Justin.  I am suddenly aggravated.  

  The next five minutes were basically a slew of legal jargon bouncing off the chests of two men that both thought they were right.  

  "Yawn"  ... I yawned.  Heart rate has most definitely stabilized.

  In the end my husband walked out with his chest a bit higher..  I glanced behind me as I shut the door to the office and watched the man with the sharp part in his flaky hair smile at his secretary.. looks like things went according to his plan as well.  

  "Weird.. what just happened.. this would have all made allot more sense if I spoke "insurance."  I thought to myself again.

  Justin continues his spiel as we drive away, I nod and try to absorb every bit of information he is offering me, most of which bounces of my chest and flies out the window.  I am trying though.  I remember when Dad died and there was so much for Mom to learn.  I know this sounds a little dark, but I have major anxiety about how I would function if something would happen to him.    There is so much he does.  I need to know it all, I need to know how to change a tire.. how to change the oil.. I need to know about taxes and where is the circuit breaker??  Oh God I need to know where that circuit breaker is...

  "Where is the circuit breaker?!"  I interrupt Justin.

  He sees the panic in my face and doesn't get offended that I have completely tuned out his important insurance spiel.    

   "You OK?"  he answers   "It's downstairs.. you know that."  

  A big smile takes over his face.  

  "Is my princess stressed?"

  "No..  Yes..  I'm fine.  Just.. don't die"..... it comes flying out..   

   His eyebrow raises..  and he gets this sexy little smile, the one where only one side of his lip goes up..  He kisses my forehead and tells me he will try his hardest not to die today.  I feel silly and very young and I give him a hug and tell him I love him.  

   I realize that I cannot control life, I think losing Dad really drilled it into me.  I just know that if I would lose Justin there would be so much undone.  I remember shortly after Dad died I was over at Mom's.  She was having a rough night.  

   We sat by the fire with our glasses of wine.. I knew she probably shouldn't have one because she had already taken her sleeping medication, but I chose not to take the wine from the grieving widow.   After Dad passed Mom would go days without sleeping, the pills helped a little.    I could tell she was relaxing, her body was.  Her mind was still going.. her eyes were raw and glassy she looked tired and old and my heart broke and turned numb as I listened to her say...

   "You spend your whole life living with this person.. being comfortable with this person.. making plans and dreams with this person.  You spend you whole life with this person until one day they are gone and it's all gone... leaving you to spend the rest of your life wishing you would have done more.. and had more time.."

  She fell asleep in the middle of the sentence.. tears streaming down her face.  I wiped them and covered her up with the airplane blanket that Glenda made her.  I took her wine glass and in one swallow finished it for her... then I finished mine.    Gave her a kiss on her forehead and asked God to do something, I had no clue how to pray for her, it was to big, but I knew God knew what I meant.. I left.  What she said was seared into me.  I will never forget it.

  I think that moments like that need to be processed very slowly. Any of us could be gone tomorrow.. today.   I need to take what Mom said.. and appreciate the "now"  that I have with Justin.. but also be aware that one of us most likely will be gone before the other.  Justin says he has to go first.  Wimp.. ;)

   I also need to remember that God answers prayers.  I look at Mom now.. breath taking.  She looks 10 years younger.  She is Mom to me again.  She is Grandma to my kids again.. and now she is going to be a wife to a husband again.  Forward moving... but always remembering.  

  OK.. enough writing.  :)  I am going to go make Brat Soup.. one of Justin's faves.. because you never know, it could be his last meal right?  

xoxo

Renee