Forward Moving.. Always Remembering.

Song Suggestion:  Yesterday by Leona Lewis

  Justin opens the door for me, I walk in and the warm air hits me.  It smells fresh and clean, it smells like paper and office supplies.   I like the smell, I take a deep breath, not because it smells good though, because I am anxious.  

  We walk up to him, he stands tall.  His hair is dark brown and smooth, shiny. He is standing at the front desk.. he knew we were coming.  He has a sharp part in his hair with some sort of cheap gel coating.. I know this because it is flaking a little, salon gel doesn't do that.   I wonder why a man of his stature has cheap gel in his hair.  

"He can afford gel for Christ sake.." I think to myself.

  

 Then I realize I've zoned out completely and I am already frustrated with myself.  I should be in serious mode.  I look at Justin.  My heart beat slows a little,  because Justin makes me feel safe.. then it picks up a few notches when I see the expression on his face.  It's business.  It's 'don't mess with me'.  It's an 'I can make your lip quiver if I want to' expression, it's confidence.  I take an even deeper breath and give a sympathy smile to the man with the cheap gel in his hair.. then I share it with his secretary who is looking at me.. up and down.  She is looking at my hair.. my clothes.. and then glancing over at Justin.  I am suddenly aggravated.  

  The next five minutes were basically a slew of legal jargon bouncing off the chests of two men that both thought they were right.  

  "Yawn"  ... I yawned.  Heart rate has most definitely stabilized.

  In the end my husband walked out with his chest a bit higher..  I glanced behind me as I shut the door to the office and watched the man with the sharp part in his flaky hair smile at his secretary.. looks like things went according to his plan as well.  

  "Weird.. what just happened.. this would have all made allot more sense if I spoke "insurance."  I thought to myself again.

  Justin continues his spiel as we drive away, I nod and try to absorb every bit of information he is offering me, most of which bounces of my chest and flies out the window.  I am trying though.  I remember when Dad died and there was so much for Mom to learn.  I know this sounds a little dark, but I have major anxiety about how I would function if something would happen to him.    There is so much he does.  I need to know it all, I need to know how to change a tire.. how to change the oil.. I need to know about taxes and where is the circuit breaker??  Oh God I need to know where that circuit breaker is...

  "Where is the circuit breaker?!"  I interrupt Justin.

  He sees the panic in my face and doesn't get offended that I have completely tuned out his important insurance spiel.    

   "You OK?"  he answers   "It's downstairs.. you know that."  

  A big smile takes over his face.  

  "Is my princess stressed?"

  "No..  Yes..  I'm fine.  Just.. don't die"..... it comes flying out..   

   His eyebrow raises..  and he gets this sexy little smile, the one where only one side of his lip goes up..  He kisses my forehead and tells me he will try his hardest not to die today.  I feel silly and very young and I give him a hug and tell him I love him.  

   I realize that I cannot control life, I think losing Dad really drilled it into me.  I just know that if I would lose Justin there would be so much undone.  I remember shortly after Dad died I was over at Mom's.  She was having a rough night.  

   We sat by the fire with our glasses of wine.. I knew she probably shouldn't have one because she had already taken her sleeping medication, but I chose not to take the wine from the grieving widow.   After Dad passed Mom would go days without sleeping, the pills helped a little.    I could tell she was relaxing, her body was.  Her mind was still going.. her eyes were raw and glassy she looked tired and old and my heart broke and turned numb as I listened to her say...

   "You spend your whole life living with this person.. being comfortable with this person.. making plans and dreams with this person.  You spend you whole life with this person until one day they are gone and it's all gone... leaving you to spend the rest of your life wishing you would have done more.. and had more time.."

  She fell asleep in the middle of the sentence.. tears streaming down her face.  I wiped them and covered her up with the airplane blanket that Glenda made her.  I took her wine glass and in one swallow finished it for her... then I finished mine.    Gave her a kiss on her forehead and asked God to do something, I had no clue how to pray for her, it was to big, but I knew God knew what I meant.. I left.  What she said was seared into me.  I will never forget it.

  I think that moments like that need to be processed very slowly. Any of us could be gone tomorrow.. today.   I need to take what Mom said.. and appreciate the "now"  that I have with Justin.. but also be aware that one of us most likely will be gone before the other.  Justin says he has to go first.  Wimp.. ;)

   I also need to remember that God answers prayers.  I look at Mom now.. breath taking.  She looks 10 years younger.  She is Mom to me again.  She is Grandma to my kids again.. and now she is going to be a wife to a husband again.  Forward moving... but always remembering.  

  OK.. enough writing.  :)  I am going to go make Brat Soup.. one of Justin's faves.. because you never know, it could be his last meal right?  

xoxo

Renee