Find Peace

Song Suggestion:  Cry out to Jesus by Third Day

I found myself sitting in Trinity Church this week Thursday. It was 7:00 p.m. an unusual time for a funeral. Funerals that I've been to, not that there are many I've been to thankfully, have been during the day. So this one was a little different.

As I sat in the sanctuary before the service began I noticed the Christmas decorations. It took me back to almost 7 years ago.. Dec 8. Our wedding. The church is decorated, greens are hung in the stain glass windows just like every year.. the wreath is prominently displayed and the 10 foot Christmas tree is looking lovely. It is beautiful.. I remembered why I had my wedding in December, because I love Christmas so much. I love the memories of Christmas.

Then I zone back in to the present. The hear. The now. The raw and the gritty. I felt guilty being there in the presence of such pain.. and not feeling the same sadness that almost everyone who knew him was feeling.

I glanced around the room. My eyes kept getting caught on this particular couple that was sitting a few rows in front of me. As they watched the slide show of this young man.. she would smile and look over at her husband and try to find humor in some of the silly pictures that were left for us to enjoy of him. She was uncomfortable. He would return the smile.. then her attention would turn back to the slide show. His jaw line would shake. He tried to close his hand over his mouth to wipe the emotion away, only to find himself wiping the tears that would drip over his hands away. I am not sure if she even noticed. I watched as he struggled and at one point his hands were even shaking. I assumed it was a close friend.

I sat there, with my best friend, and said a silent prayer for her. Thanking God that she was right there next to me, and I still had her. That she was living and breathing beside me. I said a silent vow to myself that if she dies before me.. I will stand up in front of a million people if I have to, in honor of her, so that I could tell everyone that she was an amazing woman. Funerals make you think about this kind of stuff.

After the funeral my friend and I got to talk with this young man's sister... one of the three he had. We graduated with her. I hugged her. The embrace. The... 'thank you for coming, I am putting on this.. 'I am strong and OK face'... now please go away, embrace'. It was familiar. Even two years after my Dad has been gone. Then I glanced over at her mom. The Mother who just lost her 24 year old son, her only son and I stared. I watched the stream of people who stood there uncomfortably. Waiting to give their condolences to her.

I watched her as she took deep breaths, and smiled bravely.. she even managed to laugh with a few people. I watched her as they walked away.. and the tears just kept coming. I am sure she probably wanted to get out of there. To go somewhere alone and away, so that she can cry. For what is gone. For what is not coming back. To grieve without onlookers.

It took me to a moment that I have shoved far back in my memory, of the morning my dad died. I walked down stairs in the basement to find my Mom leaning over the washing machine, sobbing. I stood very still in the doorway and watched her for a moment.. she was hunched over my Dad's flannel pajamas, folding them one last time. When she realized I was there she was startled.

"I never realized how much I would miss him." she said still sobbing.

I hugged her. She smiled, attempting to keep the emotions at bay. I never said anything. There are no words of wisdom to give a grieving widow who just lost her husband. I gave her a kleenex and we walked upstairs to the crowd of family and friends and we simultaneously hovered about in a semi-coherent state. Funerals bring back vivid memories.

I question God's timing in things. I question why a 24 year old man, who has the rest of his life ahead of him had to die. I know it's never a good time to lose someone. But I still question. Why now? Before the holidays.. why this season has to be marked with such sadness for some. I don't understand it. But there is this underlying faith that has enveloped me. A peace that has told me it's not up to me. It's up to Him. That God has it under control. That it's not up to me to dissect life's traumas and figure out why.

I am going to choose to appreciate Christmas and the memories. I am appreciating what I still have.. what can be taken away from me tonight, tomorrow.. in a month or a year from now. I am trusting in Jeremiah 29:11.. that God has a plan for us to prosper.. No matter what life throws at us. Today I will allow a few moments to myself to feel. To feel sad and angry. But I will not waist anymore time on this, then those few moments.